


I've Been Running Around Like An Unkept Kid (Trying To Remember The Things I Did)

by ShippingThings



Series: Vigilante 'Verse [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Action, Action & Romance, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Blood Loss, Blood and Injury, Doctor/Patient, F/F, Injury, Injury Recovery, Mentions of Prostitution, Mild Blood, Past Child Abuse, Vague Sex, Vigilante AU, Vigilante!Raven, brief mentions of human trafficking, but what's the fun in that, like you could miss it if you aren't looking, not being careful sort of gets her the girl, octavia is the best friend ever, raven really should be more careful, really light hinting on that, very vague
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-06-06 02:25:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 25,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6734212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShippingThings/pseuds/ShippingThings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raven is a vigilante and too many people find out.</p><p>Or a Doctor Mechanic Vigilante AU that I'm almost positive no one asked for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Torn T-Shirt, Warm Evening.

**Author's Note:**

> So the tittle of this fic is from a song called Bloodshot by this band called Handsome Ghost and chapter 1 is on another one of their songs called Blood Stutter. No one really knows about them so go check their music out.
> 
> Also a huge thank you to my three beta readers. Blake, who is a lot more like a co-author than beta made this fic what it is and I am eternally grateful. I feel like I've made a friend working on this over the past few weeks with you, I'm looking forward to working together more on this and other projects. Alex gave me loads of good advice and some excellent changes. And finally my best friend, Hannah, who read through so many versions of this even though she doesn't even watch the show, just to support me. Love you guys.

“Ah shit,” Raven cusses, peeling the wet, sticky fabric of her shirt away from her stomach. When had she been stabbed in the stomach? Don’t you usually feel when you get stabbed in the stomach? Can adrenaline really cover up the feeling of you being  _ stabbed _ ? Raven briefly wonders if she’s just starting to lose feeling in her nerves from getting hurt so often, hoping to god her injuries haven’t wreaked permanent damage.

As she peels more of the black cloth away, she realizes it’s more of a cut than a hole. Thinking that it  _ probably _ didn’t fuck up her internal organs, she breathes a sigh of relief. However, as she tears the rest off, she notices blood flowing from the gash. The injury is worse than she thought.

“Fuck…” She stares at it for a few more moments. “ _ Fuck, _ ” she says again, forcing the word through gritted teeth. Raven places her hands, clammy and restless, flat atop her dresser. Trying to calm the familiar beginnings of anxiety she can feel rising up to her chest, she squints her eyes shut and tightens her grip. Her mind begins rapidly running through her options.  _ Hospital? No, too many questions _ . She could go buy the supplies to stitch it up herself. She is fast enough, but she doubts she could keep her hands steady enough to carry out the task without worsening her  _ situation _ . Especially since she’s already lost this much blood and is still losing more, collecting in the crevices of her abdomen and dripping downward to pool at her feet. Walking into a store while bleeding from your guts is really not the best way to go if you are trying to be inconspicuous. 

Taking in deep and controlled breaths, she clenches her eyelids tighter from the pain and frustration. “ _ Is this really worth it? _ ” The raspy voice of her best friend resurfaces as she asks herself the same question.  _ She remembers the first time. She remembers the young girl’s thunderous screams full of agony. They were what drew her to this.  She remembers the victim's face, scrunched up in fear and drenched in sweat and tears. Raven wanted to reach out and wipe it all away. She remembers the unrelenting and unapologetic smile the man possessed. Lingering closer as he cornered the girl, towering over her. She remembers that very first step. The splash of a puddle chilled her toes and brought their attention to her. She remembers the anger that rushed through her very core and shut off her brain’s rationing in favor of the compassion beating within her. The crush of bones under her fists left small scars in their memory. She remembers the way he collapsed and curled into himself like a small child, passing out from the pain on the asphalt. But most of all, she remembers the girl’s tearful thank you. Her grateful eyes, clinging arms, and the hint of a recovering heart, Raven would never forget. She could never forget.  _ The answer is _ yes _ . If she hadn’t stepped in that night, all those months ago, that girl’s life could be  _ ruined _ . She could be  _ dead  _ and with the way cases like that go, the guy probably would’ve got off scot free. Raven stepped in that night and she made a difference; she didn’t end up in jail or as a stain on the wall of that alley; and if she could keep getting away with this, she would. So she continued stepping in. 

As she allows herself to rake over these thoughts, each memory throbbing like a pulse in her temples, the answer to her dilemma hits her.  _ Clarke _ .

Clarke already knows about this, and she is in  _ medical school _ . She should know how to stitch up a simple cut. Sure, she doesn't  _ approve _ , but she’s not gonna let one of her best friends die of blood loss or report her to the cops. Raven lets out a shaky breath before removing her hands from the wood. First mistake (okay, maybe not her first mistake of the night, but her first mistake of the moment). Her knuckles hurt like a bitch from releasing her death grip too quickly, and she has to shake it off while she quickly tries to regain her balance. Second mistake. Maybe her legs aren’t working properly because she stumbles forward and nearly collapses, barely catching herself on the same dresser. Behind her lids, she sees stars.

Maybe she’s lost more blood than originally thought. 

Baring her teeth, she takes the shredded pieces of her shirt and presses them against the wound.

A few moments later, when she feels a bit more steady, Raven manages to make it across her dark room to her bedside table. She slouches and grips the edges so strongly her bruised knuckles ache and whiten, causing old scars reappear and newer tears to reopen. Her arms tensing with pretty much every other muscle in her body. Searching for her phone, she wants to promise herself to never act this rashly again, but knows it would be pointless. She finally locates her cellphone in the dim lighting and clicks it on. Ignoring the few notifications staring up from her lock screen, her fingers slip along the device. It takes longer than she hoped, but eventually she types out her passcode, scans through her contacts for Griffin and calls on the first number that pops up.

She barely stands through the rings, arms shaking and knees bent, willing her friend to be up, or to  _ wake up.  _ She just needs her to answer. Finally, after about seven rings, she hears a click. 

“Hello?” sounds from the other end, voice heavy and gravelly with sleep.

“ _ Oh thank god, _ ” she gasps out as the pain and severity of the situation continues to set in. “ _ Clarke _ …Clarke, this is really bad. I know you warned me and I know I’m a dumbass, but I’m  _ bleeding, Clarke _ , and it won't stop. I’m  _ about to shit myself or pass out because I really fucked up _ -”

“Raven?” the voice, lively now, interrupts.

“Yeah?”

“Why are you bleeding?” she asks, sounding much more awake and equally as concerned, but not at all like Clarke. Raven's eyes shoot open to check the contact name.  _ Abby Griffin _ .  _ Oh shit _ .

She echoes the thought out loud before adding, “You aren’t Clarke.”

“Raven… Why are you bleeding?”

“Oh, Mrs. Griffin, hey. Don't worry, it’s not too bad,” her voice shakes unconvincingly, “I just called the wrong-”

“If that’s so, why do you sound so panicked?” the older woman cuts her off again. Raven tries, but can’t get either her brain or mouth to work up an excuse. “Where are you bleeding from?” she asks strongly. Hesitating because she really can’t drag  _ Clarke’s mom _ into this, she bites down on her lip. “ _ Raven _ ,” Abby Griffin warns, her tone strict, yet caring. The rustling of tossed sheets and a creaking mattress can be heard through the phone and Raven can’t help the small tug that pulls on the edges of her lips, but it is quickly wiped away as she catches sight of blood dripping onto her carpet, seeping in and making a hell of a stain. She reminds herself to be angry about it later. She knows how bad this is, she knows she needs help. Immediately. Raven takes a deep breath before answering.

“My stomach.” It comes out way too calm. Maybe she’s going into shock. Her friend's mom doesn't seem to be having that problem though. Her next words come out rushed and tense with worry.

“ _What?_ _Where are you?_ ”

“My apartment.”

“Raven, send me the address. I’m coming over.” Again with the ordering. The younger of the women admits to herself that she appreciates and genuinely enjoys it. However, that doesn't stop her stubborn nature from trying, again to no avail, to refuse.

“That’s really not-”

With finality, the doctor interjects once again, “I’m coming over. We’ll talk when I get there."

Reluctantly, Raven lets her have her way.

“Okay…” It’s not like she actually has to tell her anything.

“Do you need to stay on the phone?” Raven realizes what she’s offering is comfort and thinks it’s cute, but she rolls her eyes and replies, “No, Mrs. Griffin, I think I’ll be fine,” with a bit of snark in her voice. It does nothing to hide both her amusement and exhaustion.

There's a pause then a breath, heavy into the speaker. “You can call me Abby.” She can hear the jingle of keys from the other end.

“Okay… Um, I don’t have a first aid kit so you might want to bring one.”

“I was going to grab it anyway.”

“Good… Oh and Abby?” She licks her lips, taking time to savor the taste and sound. And whether it's from blood loss or something else entirely, she's beginning to feel delirious.

“Yes?”

“It’s bad. Just bandages won't work.” Raven ends the call before she gets response and as her phone lights up she catches sight of the time. _ 2:41 AM _ . She flinches, it’s way too late (early?) for her to be waking up Clarke’s mom who gets very little sleep as a doctor  _ anyway _ . She sighs and then quickly types out her address.

Hating the feeling of vulnerability, she attempts to halt the bleeding further with both hands, but it’s ultimately useless. So she finally gives in, angrily, and strains to lower herself onto her bed, pushing the covers away and laying flat on her back. She must blackout, because suddenly someone is knocking at her door. Her body reacts and she sits up quick and rigid only for her vision to darken as she’s forced to drop back down. The bed quakes from her weight. Fuck. It is definitely a lot worse than she thought.

Her phone begins to ring a moment later. She quickly picks up to the sound of Abby’s voice. “Raven?” The woman's voice is high pitched and laced with concern.

Raven replies lethargically, “There is a key under the mat. I’m in the back bedroom. It’s a straight shot back.” Then she hangs up with a sigh, letting her head drop onto the pillow once again.

She hears the door unlock and footsteps quickly approaching. The small gasp when Abby sees her bounces around in her head. “Oh my god.”

“Shoulda seen the other guys.” The woman doesn’t even respond, she’s still staring at her, jaw dropped and brows raised, like she’s walked into a murder scene. It’s actually a perfectly reasonable reaction that any sane person would have so she gives her a moment before she opens her mouth. “Am I gonna live, Doc? What’s your diagnosis?” she jokes drowsily, a small giggle escaping her.

“You're delirious, blood is  _ everywhere _ . What did you  _ do _ ?” she asks making her way over to the side of the bed Raven is on. 

“Oh you know… Cooking accident…” she replies as Abby moves her hand away from the black fabric.

“You really expect me to believe-  _ Shit Raven _ -” she lifts it to see the cut that runs just under the edge of her rib cage. She feels her warm hands softly press into the skin. “How have you not  _ bled out _ ?”

“I’m too stubborn to die from blood loss,” Raven answers cockily.

“Did you fall asleep?” She ignores Raven’s previous statement, now entering full doctor mode as she examines her patient, no doubt seeing the many scars and bruises already covering the rest of her. Fingers find her wrist, checking her pulse.

“Maybe,” she answers, not seeing much point in denying it. And then there’s the other reason.

“Raven!” The way Abby Griffin calls out to her, even in scolding, brings a grin to her lips that she has to bite down.

“I know, I know. That’s not good, but I’ve had a long night.”

“It sure _ looks _ like it. Why didn’t you call an ambulance? Or go to the hospital?”

“No!” Raven sobers instantly. “No hospitals,okay?”

“Okay…” Her medic doesn't seem at all surprised by her outburst, but still shows her obvious hesitation.

“And why do I need a hospital when I’ve got you?” Raven grins lopsidedly, not missing the way red hues warmed on Abby’s cheeks.

“You're going to need stitches, but I think you will live.” She offers a tight lipped smile at this.

“You know what's best.”

Abby stares at her for a few moments before getting everything ready, cleaning everything that needs it, including a few smaller cuts in different areas. 

“So I guess these are all cooking accidents?” Her voice is knowing in a way Raven doesn't like.

“I’m accident prone.”

“Sure you are.” It doesn’t sound like she believes it, but she moves on anyway. “You ready?”

“Just do it.” Then the needle is pushing through her skin. She goes rigid, clenching her jaw and fists as Abby begins weaving it back and forth.

She must pass out.

 

She wakes up an hour later to Abby’s arm around her torso and one of her own over her shoulder. 

“What are you doing?” she slurs and everything feels so  _ heavy _ . 

“Carrying you to the couch. You can’t stay on blood soaked sheets.”

“But _ comfy _ ,” she whines, dignity furthest thing from her mind at the moment, she hears Abby laugh at that, and it’s a nice sound (she’d really like to hear it again). Then as the woman helps her down off the bed, their bodies settle together and it feels so  _ nice _ . Abby kind of smells clean and crisp and it’s such a pleasant change from the smells of the garage and New York in general. She rubs her nose softly against the side of Abby’s face as they stumble through her mess of an apartment. “Smell  _ pretty _ .” And there’s the sound again. Raven can feel Abby’s smile and she can’t help but make one back.

Then she’s being set down softly against her brown couch (she will be thankful later it’s darkly colored and already stained beyond repair). 

“Go back to sleep, Raven.”

“Okay... Thanks, Abby,” she responds back as the brunette covers her in a blanket. She lets herself snuggle into the well worn couch as she begins to drift back to sleep.

 

The next time she wakes up, it’s to a cool hand pressing against her face.

“Sorry. I was just checking to see if you were hot.”

“I’m always hot, Abby,” Raven offers a smirk and looks up to see the other woman blush as she laughs. The smirk turns into a real smile at the sound (she falls back to sleep with it still on her face).

 

When her eyes reopen for the third time, she’s not so lucky. 

This time Raven rises to the smell of brewing coffee, loud noises flickering on her tv, and the harsh lights of morning when running on too little sleep. She lets out a loud groan. Damn, does that coffee smell bomb.

“Hey there, Sleeping Beauty.” Even with her brain feeling like half of it has been turned to mush, it doesn’t take her any time to recognize the distinct voice.

“Abby? You’re still here?”

“You really think I’m going to leave without answers?” Raven let’s out a second groan at this.

“I was hoping,” she replies, eyes wide, almost begging.

“You really expect that I wouldn’t want answers after you called me at 2:40 in the morning, bleeding profusely from your stomach,” Abby retorts, worry lines forming on her forehead.

“I actually was trying call  _ Clarke _ .”

She let’s out a sigh. “Not that I don’t have faith in Clarke, but that is a pretty serious injury. You might’ve died if you succeeded in calling her.” Raven barks out a laugh.

“And here I was just happy I didn’t get stabbed in the organs. Don’t you have work today?” 

“It’s my day off.”

“ _ You’re taking care of an injured person on your day off? _ No! I demand you go home and relax and get some you time. Everyone knows you need it.”

“I’m taking care of  _ you _ . You need it. You could’ve  _ died _ ,” Abby emphasizes. Raven struggles to maintain her hard eye contact, but breaks and rolls her eyes.

“I think that’s an exaggeration," she huffs out stubbornly

“It’s not. You would’ve bled out," the doctor tries again. And of course it's to no avail.

“Are you sure because I’m-”

“This is not a joke, it’s your  _ life _ we are talking about.”

“Same thing,” she jokes half heartedly, waving her off.

“Raven,” Abby scolds her for the hundredth time and it’s either her tone or something she can’t quite comprehend, but Raven really hates how much she likes the way her name sounds coming from the other woman’s mouth.

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry.” Raven lulls her head back to look up at her. She studies Abby's sharp features and the stern look in her usually soft and kind eyes. She notices the tired lines of her face and how her brown hair is pulled sloppily back into her trademark braid. Raven wonders if she'd gotten any sleep at all after arriving to save her. Finally, the other woman breaks the silence.

“So are you ever gonna tell me what exactly happened?”

“The less you know the better.”

“Raven.”

Raven pauses again, seeing the concerned look on her face. She feels her resolve break a little. Too many people already know. First is Octavia, who had found out the night that started it all. Raven's face and hands were evidence she was in over her head so her friend taught her to fight, unwilling to send her back into the fray unprepared. Next is Lincoln, Octavia’s boyfriend. They both now help Raven track down information. That's two. Then Clarke, who found out by accident, but could still provide a clear outlook on things when Octavia and Raven’s minds would get scattered trying to figure out the details. And then there’s Monty, who was the most recent to find out and vowed to help her protect herself better. Lastly, Murphy, who knows quite a few bad people and is in trouble with most of them. The two of them are mutually beneficial to each other.

But Abby? She already has five too many people aware. People who could let it slip, accidentally or purposely, or get hurt trying to protect her, and Abby really doesn’t need any more stress in her life. However, Abby is smart, and if Raven doesn’t tell her, she will figure it out herself, if she hasn't already. But Abby is trustworthy and Raven knows that. Even with her present issues in that department  _ without _ adding the secret identity thing. Plus, having a doctor around in case of major emergencies would be kind of nice, not that she plans for this to happen again, but she knows she can’t go back. Raven knows Abby isn’t going to give up on this and she figures Abby deserves it after stitching her up in the middle of the night.

So it’s with a deep breath that Raven gives in.

“Well, I’m sure you’ve been hearing about that guy the police are after that keeps getting to places before them, dark jacket,” Raven points to the hoodie slung over the back of an arm chair, “size 10 steel capped boots,” she motions with her head to the boots by the door. “The one catching people for them and making their lives a hell of alot easier?” This causes a tight lipped smile on her face and Raven can tell that she already has an idea of where it’s going.

“Yes, although, that’s not exactly what the news is saying about you,” Abby gestures over to the TV and that’s the moment she realizes what’s on. They are talking about her ‘crime spree.’

“Oh… So you already knew, huh?”

“Well, when you first called me, I figured you had hurt yourself, maybe at that auto shop you work at or something. Then, I saw you and I knew it was much more serious. All the other injuries and markings too. They obviously hadn’t happened tonight. Then there is that pile of blood stained black clothing by your dresser and the steel capped boots you were wearing. There were very few things you could’ve been doing.”

“So why ask?”

“I guess I was hoping for an alternative explanation,” Abby admits.

“You uh… You won’t…” Raven begins awkwardly.

“No, I’m not going to tell on you. I just want you to promise to call me if anything like this ever happens again,” she offers sternly, yet unsure.

“I promise.”

“Now, what exactly happened?”

“I, uh, I went to go check a lead out a possible human trafficking ring.They were taking these girls from their own damn apartments. They had obviously been planning for a while because they knew the exact locations and even though I knew there were too many for me to realistically handle, I couldn’t just let them take them away. So I broke through the glass of the fire escape and found myself facing about ten guys.”

“Do you run blindly into unknown danger often?” Abby asks, horror showing in face even more at the fact that this event is being recalled with so much lackluster.

“I think the answer to that is pretty obvious,” Raven grins.

 

_ Raven can hear the first scream from two floors up on the fire escape, which she isn’t expecting. She immediately begins pulling herself up faster, feet slamming into each metal step as she propels herself up. When she gets to the window, she can see a blonde girl being dragged out of her apartment by two men while a few others work on getting another open. Oh hell no, Raven finds herself thinking. She pushes the window open, vaulting herself into the dark hallway and into the line of fire. _

_ She ends up next to another open door as a man comes out dragging another girl.  _

_ “What the-” He is stopped by a swift kick from one of her black combat boots. His head slams into the door frame, cracking a hole in the flimsy wall, and Raven can’t help thinking that he’s lucky it wasn't his head. He drops to the ground, grip loosening on the other brunette’s arm. The girls make eye contact for a few seconds and Raven can see the relief in her eyes, but neither of them are out of the fire yet. _

_ “Hey!” one of the kidnappers dumbly shouts a second later. She turns to find multiple new opponents facing her. _

_ “Stay there!” she shouts to the girl as two of them charge her. Dodging between them, she lands a quick kick to the back of the bigger aggressor's knee, causing him to buckle forward. She then drives her elbow into the back of his neck. That is when two other are on her, one wrapping his beefy arms around her waist, constricting her,and the other still running towards them. She can’t help the confident smirk that none of them can see.  _

_ As he nears, she lifts her legs, slamming them into his chest and sending him sprawling back into someone else. The force also pushes the man holding her off balance so he releases her in trying to catch himself. Raven lands on her feet as he lands on his back. _

_ Then her luck shifts. _

_ Bang! _

_ And a gun is brought into the picture, it doesn’t land anywhere near her. Raven suspects he has little to no experience with firing one or he's scared or both. Either way, it’s good news for her. As she is distracted with trying to figure out which direction the bullet came from, a fist finds its way to her ribs and another to her stomach. She clenches her teeth when she feels the next set of knuckles dig into her cheek.  _

_ Raven falls out of the chaos of bodies striking at her as a second gunshot rings through the air. Hearing another scream, she looks up with head bobbing in resistance, to see the first girl still in the hands of a large tattooed man. He’s at least 6’5, which is a foot taller than she is. Before she gives herself time to think it through, she’s running at him, letting her arms strike out at him like cobras. They both manage to plant some good punches, but Raven’s faster, smaller, and much more versatile. The girl bolts past her and Raven hadn’t even noticed him let her go.  _

_ “Shit.” She curses. The girl is probably going to call the cops, who wouldn't, but that’s both good and bad. Good because at least she knows these assholes will get caught. But bad because of everything else. This shortens the clock to gather intel and disappear. _

_ Bang!  _

_ Another gun shot snaps her back to attention. When she turns, she sees one of guys holding a crowbar. She isn’t quite sure how it can get worse until it does. Another assailant has a knife. She sighs before getting back to work. _

 

“So, you stayed even though you saw it was escalating?” Abby gives her an incredulous look.

“Yes. I didn’t know exactly how much time I had before the cops showed up and I had to make sure they didn’t get away and that all of the girls were safe.”

“When did you get stabbed?”

“Maybe right after I rushed at them again? I’m not exactly sure.”

“ _ You mean you don’t  _ fucking _ know when you got stabbed? _ ”

“Damn Griffin, you kiss your daughter with that mouth?” Raven laughs and it feels good, relives some of the pressure sitting in her chest. The other woman raises her eyebrows like she honestly can’t believe that she knows Raven.

“How did you even get home?”

“I live pretty close to there so just got here by roof top.”

“ _ You should’ve bled out, _ ” Abby says pointedly.

“But I didn’t.”

“You’re lucky I got here when I did because you would’ve.”

“Maybe I’m just lucky I called you.” They share a smile. “Because apparently Clarke would’ve let me die.”

“Oh my god,” Abby groans, pushing Raven's legs aside to sit next to her on the couch. Her hand finds it’s way to her face again (the younger woman won't ever admit she leans into the touch). “You’re perfect.” She must see the growing smirk because she quickly remedies it, “I mean your _ temperature _ .”

“It’s okay Mrs. Griffin, you don’t have to hide how good looking you think I am.”

“Do you ever stop?”

“No. I have high stamina,” Raven says as she wiggles her eyebrows with that damn smirk.

“ _ Raven _ ,” she scorns, but she's laughing.

“Okay, okay, sorry.” The apology is said through the permanent smile etched into her face like a tattoo. “When do you need to go back to work?”

“Later today actually.” And the smile fades.

“I thought you had four days off a week?”

“Only two of them are in a row.”

“So don’t you have another day?”

“No, actually, you called me less than an hour after I left the hospital to start my first day off.”

“ _ You mean I slept for one and a half days? _ ”

“Yes, and you needed it too. How many hours of sleep do you estimate you get every night?”

“I slept… _ For nearly two fucking whole days? _ ”

“Yes, Raven. It really shouldn't be too hard to believe with the amount of blood you lost and the little sleep I’m guessing you get. I borrowed a shirt just so you know.” Raven looks down to the dark gray and faded blue of her worn NASA shirt. 

“Oh shit,” she breathes, for all too many reasons, not all of them appropriate (nearly none appropriate).

“That’s a statement I can agree on.” Raven looks back up at the ceiling, briefly rethinking her existence. She can hear some woman on the news going on and on about the events of last night in a droaning obnoxious voice.

“So what time do you have to leave?”

“Usually I would say pretty soon, to take a shower and such, but I’m going to call in so I can stay with you-”

“ _ NO _ . You will not call in for me. You will save those days for when you are actually sick, need a vacation, or really  _ really  _ need to sleep in.”

“I think nearly having a twenty year old die in my arms is a good enough excuse to-”

“Abby, please. Don’t waste that time on me.”

“It wouldn't be a waste,” Abby’s admits, her tone softer than ever. 

Raven’s heart stutters.

“Abby…. I’ll be okay... Just tell me what I have to do to take care of this thing.” They stare at each other for a beat. She can see the wheels in the doctor's head turning, maybe she’s trying to figure out if arguing would be worth it. Finally she lets it go and goes about explaining how Raven would change the bandages by demonstrating on her as she changes them again. 

The younger woman finds it hard to take in what she’s saying with her fingertips pressing into her skin  _ oh so gently _ and her eyes looking into her’s like she’s all that matters. She has to turn away sometimes in what Abby probably takes as frustration, but is really just her trying to regain any of her composure and focus. 

Eventually they get through it, and, God, is Raven grateful. Abby moves away from her on the couch and gets up to gather her things. She instantly misses the warmth against her leg. 

 

“Call me the next time something like this happens,” she commands from the door, holding her first aid kit and her clothes from yesterday. The NASA shirt is still hugging all of her delicate curves just right. Damn, Raven suddenly wants to be that shirt.

“So tomorrow?” The smart-ass recovery comes automatically and Abby’s eyes go wide with alarm.

“You’re still healing,” she says high pitched and unbelieving, “You can’t just-”

“I know, Abby,” she laughs, letting herself fall back into the couch cushions. “I’ll try to take it easy.”

“No saving the world until I can check on you again,” the medic warns.

“Just a little?” Raven asks as she tilts her chin up a little for added effect.

“No.”

“Okay.” Abby looks relieved at this and Raven can’t let her leave with out messing with her a little more.

“Maybe just a smidge.”

“No.”

“Not even a few bad guys?”

“Raven. No.”

“Not even stop a robbery or some shit?”

“ _ Nooooooo _ .” Abby looks as though she's about to pop a blood vessel so she finally lets up with a laugh. “Okay. Sorry, just messing with you. I’ll try to stay on this couch until I work on Tuesday.” She pats a pillow for emphasis.

“I go into work later on Tuesday. Do you think I could come check on you that morning?”

“Um…” She can feel butterflies bashing into her internal organs, probably fucking up her shit even further, but she can't find herself caring as she agrees, “Yeah, that would be great. I can’t thank you enough, Abby.”

“Of course. Just call me if you need anything. Please.”

“Sure thing.” Then Abby offers her another smile, opens the door and walks out. Raven wonders how on earth she managed to catch a crush on her best friend's mom in less than 36 hours (and she was _ asleep _ for most of it).

“Fuck,” she mutters, not about the stitched up gash that she has in her stomach, or how she had almost died recently, but at the woman who kept her alive long enough to make her blush, which Raven doesn't do often. She lets herself snuggle further into the couch. Tuesday can't come quick enough.


	2. If I Went Too Far I Hope It Doesn't Do Me In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay sorry for the wait, I'm going to try and get chapters out quicker, there has just been quite a bit going on the past month.  
> The chapter title is again Handsome Ghost. The song is called Bloodshot.  
> I'm even more unsure about this chapter than I was about the last one, so I really hope you guys enjoy it.  
> Alex has helped me a lot with this one and so has my other new beta Joseph.

_ “The way you stand is the most important thing while fighting. It has to be automatic. You can’t just-” Octavia reaches out and shoves her by her shoulders unexpectedly, sending her off balance. “You can’t just stand how you normally would.” _

_ Octavia gets down to adjust Raven’s feet one more time once the inexperienced girl seems stable again. _

_ “You  _ need _ to keep your feet like … this.” Octavia pulls Raven’s legs into a fighting stance on the mat for the third time. “So that way you won’t get knocked down.” _

_ Raven scoffs, returning her feet to her normal posture. “Yeah right. Like you’d be fast enough to-” Octavia’s leg sweeps under hers before she can even get the words out, knocking her down, all breath escaping her in a rush, cocky comments absent as she tries to get  _ anything  _ back into her lungs. She watches the other girl examine her nails, simply ignoring her pain. She opens and closes her mouth like a fish out of water, struggling to regain her composure. _

_ “Do you always spend this much time on your back?” _

_ “Fuck you,” she finally gasps out.  _

_ “Maybe if you’re lucky, Reyes.” Octavia offers her a wink. It takes Raven at least another minute to get back up. “Are you going to do what I say now?” Raven nods painfully and the other girl looks slightly pleased with this. “You need to learn to recover quicker, you take this long during the real deal and you’re dead. Fists up.” _

_ Raven gives in and does as she’s told -- over the years she’s seen what happens to people that don’t let Octavia get her way. She’d been stupid to think Octavia would go easy on her because they’re friends. If anything she’s being rougher because she wants to prepare Raven for the real thing; she wants her to know that no one is going to pull their punches in the real world. _

_ Raven knows she's going to be feeling this later as rapid-fire hits land against her skin. She stumbles back, away from Octavia’s fists. _

_ “Come on! Are you really this lame?” Octavia taunts her, bouncing back and forth on the balls of her feet. “You think you can save people like this? You can do better! _

_ Raven feels her anger spike up even if she knows her friend is just trying to get a rise out of her. Octavia goes in for the kill: “Are you really this  _ weak _?” _

_ Raven’s pulse quickens as she looks at her friend. She puts her arms back up, determination in the set of her brows. _

_ Then Octavia is lashing out again, and Raven blocks one, two, three punches, gets kneed twice and then the other girl has a hard grip on Raven’s wrist. She catches Octavia’s foot just as it nearly comes into contact with her ribs, but she still feels pain there as a set of knuckles ram against them, sending her reeling. _

_ “Not quick enough. You could've flipped me there, I was on one foot. You lost your chance and left yourself with no arms to defend yourself with. You have to act quick, be multiple steps ahead of your opponent.” _

_ Octavia lectures as she lashes out, Raven spinning away, just trying to keep out of the line of fire as she regains her breath. She has her arm up in time to stop a fist from bashing into the side of her skull. _

_ “Hey that's actually not complete garbage!” Octavia half-praises, but then she’s weaving away, suddenly placing herself behind Raven, foot landing against the back of her calf, immediately displacing her footing. _

_ “See! There. You need to be aware of where your opponent is. Don’t let them throw you off balance.” Octavia moves away, resuming her stance across the mat. _

_ “Listen, I’m not saying your teaching method is flawed but-” Raven starts, but then Octavia is coming at her. “Dude! What the hell?” Raven shouts, dodging around her.  _

_ “You have to be ready.” Octavia grunts, pouncing at her again. It ends with Raven’s face pressed to the ground, smell of sweat invading her nose, a knee pressing in between her shoulder blades. _

_ “You know … I think I’d prefer Lincoln as an instructor … or Indra.” She grits out, struggling to release herself, she hears the other girl hum. _

_ “Oh trust me, this is nothing compared to Indra, and Lincoln will be helping later, don't you worry about that.” _

_ “Octavia,” Raven groans, pushing back up against her. _

_ “We do this until you can block every one of my strikes. Chances are the people you will be fighting won’t be as well trained as I need you to be. I’m trying to protect you.” Then Octavia removes her knee and steps back. “Remember: fighting stance at the first sign of danger.”  _

 

She’s bursting with energy. Two full days of laying on her couch, watching movies and old reruns of  _ How I Met Your Mother _ , and  _ Buffy _ . At first it was pleasant, her muscles throbbing and knuckles aching. Parts of her body were a deep purple color she’s never even seen. The pain from her stomach would hit her unexpectedly and spike with even minimal movement, causing her to only get up to go to the restroom, eat, change her bandages, and take pain meds.

It felt nice to let her body rest on the soft cushion and to let her eyes finally close, getting much-needed sleep, but by the seventeenth hour, she was done with it. She felt rested enough that even with the aches remaining in their places on her body she still felt the need to hit something.

The only thing making it almost bearable is the occasional text from Abby. Even though they were all somewhat professional -- checking up on her to make sure she hadn’t collapsed, making her promise to get even more sleep and to take good care of her injuries -- they still caused her to smile through the pain. 

At one point, Raven passes out and misses sixteen texts and three calls, each message becoming increasingly panicked. She wakes up on the fourth call as Abby is about to leave the hospital to come make sure she isn’t dead or that she hasn’t run out and done anything else damaging. 

_ Raven picks up and the other woman is in near tears. _

_ “Thank god.” _

_ “Hey Abs.” Then she hears a shaky breath from the other side, instantly making her jolt up. “What’s wrong?” _

_ “Don’t you ever do that again.” _

_ “Do what?” _

_ “Ignore my calls!” _

_ “Calls?” she moves her phone away from her ear and checks her lock screen,  _ shit _. “Oh... Abby, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-” _

_ “Just don’t. Do you have any idea how worried I was? I thought you had fainted and hit your head or gone out and tried to save a cat from a tree or … or …” Her sob sounds frustrated and tired. Raven shuts her her eyes with a sigh. This is exactly what she didn’t want. Life as a doctor is stressful enough without having to hide and take care of a reckless dumbass. Raven doesn’t want Abby to have to worry about her along with of her endless list of other patients. _

_ “Hey … hey, I’m sorry. I’m okay. I promise. I’m still on my couch. All in one piece … mostly.” This earns her the laugh again. “I’m gonna take my phone off vibrate right now and put it up as loud as I can so I won’t miss you again, okay?” Abby assured her she would try not to panic like that again as long as Raven promised not to do anything stupid. _

 

After two days of ‘relaxing’, if you could even call it that, Raven wakes up at 7:18. It’s Tuesday morning and she has nearly two hours before Abby is supposed to be anywhere near her apartment, and there is no way she’d be able to go back to sleep. She sits staring straight up at her dark ceiling, not wanting to bother with turning on the TV, and finds her mind wandering to Abby. Each time her train of thought takes her around in circle, it always comes back to the doctor, to the rough grainy sound of her laugh, to the way Raven’s NASA shirt covered her tan skin _ just right _ , to how she had gotten out of bed at 2:41 in the morning to help Raven. Abby could have dismissed the urgency when Raven swore it wasn’t that bad, but instead Abby had been careful about handling Raven and her injuries, and she had stayed to make sure she was okay. Raven had also expected a lecture from the doctor about her need to change her lifestyle, but the warning didn’t come, and even though she was sure Abby didn’t approve, Raven got the sense that Abby respected her for it. She wonders if Abby would be weirded out by the fact that she can't stop thinking about her. Abby is her friend’s mom, after all.

As she sits, Raven remembers the first time she met Abby. She and Clarke had only just started to become friends, a slow, slow process after Finn, but they had both been making it work, with the help of Octavia, or Wells, or just anyone around them who could help make the situation less awkward, less forced. The two had both liked each other as people. Neither of them could’ve known about the other, but after finding out what (or who) Finn had been doing for all those months, it had brought up a lot of issues for Raven and Clarke felt bad about it. She felt like she had ruined Raven and Finn’s life-long friendship and robbed Raven of the last remaining person she could call family. In the end though, it really wasn’t Clarke’s fault, and as much as Raven wanted to be angry and blame Clarke, rather than Finn, she knew she couldn’t. 

When Clarke suggested they throw a party at her new apartment, Raven jumped at the opportunity to spend time with Clarke in a bigger group setting; with Raven and Finn's anniversary looming, they both decided she could do with the distraction.

Raven hadn’t known how big the event was going to be, but Clarke had told her to invite as many people as she liked. While Raven had very few close friends, even back then, she asked Monty, Jasper, Murphy, and Octavia who, in turn, invited her brother Bellamy and his girlfriend Echo. Between them, they accumulated a small crowd, but not nearly as large as the crowd Clarke had invited. 

When they had opened the door to the thumping apartment there were already  _ a lot _ of people there. It was well lit and there weren’t a lot of drunken coeds grinding (yet), but the music was still loud. As they had glanced around, Raven had made note that most people there were their age, but a few seemed to be older.

Octavia had immediately gone for the kitchen, dragging Raven along behind her. While Octavia quickly located Clarke’s alcohol, pushing multiple people out of the way in the process,  Raven’s eyes found the blonde in the room with them.

_ “Raven, Octavia! You’re here!” she shouts, smiling wide as she steps forward to pull Raven into a hug, seemingly a little buzzed.  _

_ “Hey Clarke. You got any fireball? And RumChata?  I want to make those Cinnamon Crunch shots.” Octavia butts in. _

_ “Yeah top shelf in the fridge.” The two of them watch for a few moments as Octavia begins shoving things aside, glasses clanking harshly in the fridge. “So Raven, you enjoying yourself?” _

_ “Oh totally. A house full of people I don’t know? My kind of night.”  _

_ Clarke rolls her eyes with a smile on her face before pushing Raven further into the kitchen.  _

_ “Look, you stay here. I’m gonna help Octavia find what she wants before she _ breaks _ anything. Take a beer.” Clarke snatches a brown bottle out of an ice chest resting on the counter, Raven doesn’t have time to wonder why it’s right next to the fridge before the wet glass is being pressed into her hands and the water is soaking her skin. She lets the fondness show on her face as Clarke moves back to push Octavia aside.  _

_ Raven is wiping the water off on her gray shirt when more people enter the kitchen. _

_ “Clarke? You okay?” A voice asks and Raven looks up to find a gorgeous older woman staring quizzically at her friends. Raven’s eyes widen and her eyes dart from Clarke and Octavia and back to her and then to the tall guy following behind her. _

_ “Yeah. I’m good Mom. Thanks for asking,” the blonde responds, turning out of the fridge with two large bottles in her hands. Raven has a momentary moment of panic as she registers the resemblance and see that this is infact Clarke’s mom, who’s just caught her daughter with booze in her hands. “Raven will you grab some shot glasses. It’s the cabinet right behind you.” _

_ This causes the attention of the two newcomers to turn to a very confused Raven. “Uh… Sure. I got it.” She quickly does as Clarke asked and sets them out on the counter as her friends move to take the space over. “That's your mom?” she hisses at Clarke when she gets close enough she’s sure the others won't hear. _

_ “Yeah, no shit.” _

_ “And… She’s cool with you drinking?” _

_ “Raven… I’m twenty one, there’s nothing she can do to stop me. Plus, I was drinking in  _ high school _. This isn’t new to her.” the other girl responds, much louder than Raven herself and she hears the woman laugh behind them _

_ “Oh yeah. I’ve seen her like this more times than I’m proud to admit.” _

_ “So have I.” The man adds in from behind her as they both push further into the kitchen to watch the girls. Raven stands uncomfortably for a few more moments she realizes the woman is holding her hand out her. She jumps a little before taking it. _

_ “Abby Griffin.” _

_ “Yeah, Griffin, because you’re Clarke’s mom... “ she gulps a little, feeling awkward for some reason and wondering where her people skills suddenly ran off too. She lets them shake her hand respectively in greeting. Abby’s hands are soft and smooth and Raven wants to hold on for longer. _

_ “Marcus Kane.” She offers the man a little nod, his hands are rough and his fingers are calloused, she wants to let go immediately. _

_ “Raven Reyes. I’m uh… A friend of Clarke’s.”  _

_ “Nice to meet you, Raven.” Abby’s eyes sparkle and Raven forgets to feel weird about staring at her. _

_ “Here you go. Shot for you,” Clarke’s voice cuts through Raven’s thoughts as she begins handing over the drinks, “And for you,” even to her mom and Kane. Then Bellamy blunders in, laughing about something and reaching for a glass.  _

 

When the door clicks open, Raven is on her feet faster than she thought possible. She is relieved to find it’s just Abby, key in hand.

“Where did you-”

“I took it from under the mat. I figured I might need it.” They stand in the entrance staring at each other for a moment, until Raven finally backs up a little, shifting out of the defensive stance so easily programmed into her by Octavia.

_ “Remember. Fighting stance at the first sign of danger.” _

“How are you feeling?” Abby asks with a tight-lipped smile after a few more seconds of awkward standing and staring.

‘Uh … good. Good. I’m not … bleeding anymore … so that’s an improvement.”

“And no problems?”

“No … just … hanging here.” She gestures back to the couch, covered in pillows and blankets, the occasional plastic bottle or food wrapper littering the floor. Raven suddenly realizes that she should’ve used those two hours of thinking to do a little cleaning up after herself. She winces as she turns back to the well-put-together woman. She silently thanks the universe for making her change yesterday, making her seem at least a little like a properly functioning adult. “So uh … we’re checking The Thing right?” Abby grins amusedly at Raven’s word choice.

“The Thing?”

“Well yeah. Would you rather me call it The Gaping Hole In My Stomach?”

“Don’t be a smart ass,” Abby says, smirk playing on her lips. Raven goes dumb for a minute as the older woman strides past her with that expression on her face, heels clicking against dark wood.

“I happen to think it’s my best quality.” Raven finally gets out, following behind Abby like a lost puppy. The other woman rolls her eyes fondly before motioning to the couch.

“Come on. Lay down. Let me look at it.”

Raven does, letting herself drop back slowly.

“Can I?” Abby asks, hand holding onto the edge of Raven’s shirt. Raven nods, throat suddenly dry. Abby pulls it up to just under Raven’s bra, her fingers run over the smaller injuries first, then up to the major one. Her fingers trace the long line across Raven’s ribs, setting against them as she examines it.

Raven really hopes Abby can’t feel how hard her heart is beating in her chest.

“So how do I look?”

“Well, you’ve taken better care of it than I expected.”

“I know.” Abby doesn’t respond, but continues her inspection, hands roaming over Raven’s midsection.

“How is that gym time working out for me, Mrs. Griffin? Would you say it’s benefiting my health?”

The hands stop and Abby glances up at Raven, whose smirk is set firmly in place, toned arms behind her head. Abby’s throat bobs with a swallow. She quickly looks away. Raven hums, enjoying the rise she gets out of the older woman.

“Your abs would be more impressive if they weren't as covered in bruises.” Raven snaps her head back up as Abby moves away, trying to suppress a smile of her own, pulling Raven’s shirt back down. “But other than that you’ve done good. I should probably check that a few more times before you get back to work.”

“I uh … I go to work in a hour.”

“Not that work, Raven.” Cringing, Raven pulls herself up into a sitting position on the couch. When Abby makes no attempt to break the silence, Raven clutches at straws for anything to pull their conversation back on track.

“Hey so um … did you happen to … clean? While you were here before? There is an absence of massive blood stains on my carpeting … and a set of sheets is missing.” 

“Uh, well the sheets were beyond saving so you’ll have to forgive me for that, but yes … I took care of the carpeting … and picked up some of your salvageable clothes.” Abby gestures to her black hoodie and boots, mimicking her from the other day. Raven briefly wonders if this could be any more uncomfortable.

“I also noticed that the counters in the kitchen looked cleaner. Did you have a hand in that as well, or is there a cleaning vigilante I should be thanking?” Abby laughs and Raven lets her shoulders relax, allowing a small smile to form. 

 

Her shoulder aches as she pushes open the door to the shop. The smell of tires hits her nose as she walks through the room to the garage. She catches a glance of Monty with his back to her, examining something on the workbench in front of him. She begins to work her way over to him, intending to ask about what she could use to better protect her midsection.

“Reyes.” A deep voice stops her. She turns her head to watch Bellamy wheel out from under a Ford F-100 from the ‘60s. “Octavia has been trying to contact you, says you’ve cancelled two days of gym time. You never miss gym days.” 

She offers an awkward smile as she glances back at Monty, who is now watching this interaction. She adjusts the backpack on her shoulder.

Raven had been avoiding Octavia because she knows her friend will be pissed when she finds out what happened. She also knows her friend would insist on more fight training and lecture her on how to handle a situation when weapons are brought in. Raven knows the conversation will have to happen eventually and that she should be more careful but sometimes things just happen, no matter how prepared you are.

“I’ve uh … been feeling a little sore.” She shifts back and forth on her feet, wanting to get away from this conversation. It’s true. Her body has been a little out of commission, and doctors orders were to stay on her couch, not to go spar and lift 150 pound weights with her fitness-crazed best friend. “Maybe I should miss gym days more often.”

Bell must take it wrong, because suddenly his face splits into a shit-eating grin.

“You get laid, Reyes?”

Her eyes widen and she can feel blush rise up. Raven Reyes doesn’t blush. Raven Reyes goes out every night and kicks the shit out of bad people, she doesn’t  _ blush _ , but the thought of her and Abby is enough to make her weak in the knees. She lets out a quick breath while Bell laughs.

“You did! Wait till I tell Tavi-”

“No! Bellamy don’t say-”

“Oh no. You are not getting out of this that easy. She’s going to give you so much shit for this.”

“And apparently you are too.” She accepts her fate; from his perspective he has no reason not to tell her.

“Of course.” His hand claps down on her tender shoulder and she screams internally. She looks at his oblivious smile and forgives him- she knows he means well, even if now she’s going to have to explain to Octavia a little earlier than planned. “Okay, now get out of here.” She sighs gratefully, turning and making her way to her original destination. “Get some work done!” He calls after her and she waves her hand back at him.

“Hey Raven.” Monty’s greeting is much quieter, a contrast to the other man's loud booming jeers. 

“Hey,” she replies, easing her weight down on his vacant chair.

“I take it you aren’t sore from any activities that could be considered fun?”

“Unless you classify getting beaten and  _ shanked _ as fun, no.” His gaze snaps over to her.

“ _ Shanked? _ ” He looks at her incredulously, a common occurrence for the people that know about her  _ extracurriculars _ . 

“Yeah…”

“Where? Are you okay?”

“My stomach but-”

“Your stomach-”

“But I am  _ fine _ ,” she raises her eyebrows at him with a smile. 

“Yes, but how?”

“Uh … well … at first, when I realized how bad the bleeding was, I called Clarke.”

“Oh. So all that money her mom is spending on medical school is paying off then?”

“I didn’t actually get a hold of Clarke.”

“Then who-”

“We at least know that medical school payed off for one of the Griffins...”

“You’re kidding!”

“I wish. I know, I know, I should be more careful but I had kind of already lost a lot of blood and I needed help, like ASAP.”

“So did you have to tell her … about the … you know?”

“No actually,” he seems relieved at this, and she feels a little bad to take that away from him. “She kind of figured it out herself.”

The hopeful expression drops and he lets out a groan, dropping his tools down on the workspace. 

“Is she going to rat us out or not?”

“No actually. I think I just got a full-time doctor.”

“I think full-time would be a stretch.” Judging by his scowl he doesn't exactly approve of this development.

“Look, this is a good thing. This way I don’t have to count on Clarke’s incomplete medical training to save my life if a situation like this ever comes up again. I know we don’t know if Abby can be trusted yet, I’m not going to tell her everything; I’m going to tell her as little as possible from here on out.”

“‘Here on out?’ What have you already told her?”

“Uh … she knows who I am. She knows what I was doing a few nights ago. She knows that I’m a dumbass.”

“That part isn’t exactly a secret.” He laughs and she smacks his arm, which he immediately goes to rub. “Okay! I’m sorry. It’s just that the more people that know, the higher the risk you, and all of us for that matter, are at.”

“I know, Monty. She’s the last one. I swear.”

“How many people is this now?”

It takes her a moment to calculate.  “Seven.”

“ _ Seven? _ That’s  _ way _ too many, Raven.”

“Well it’s not exactly like I can take it back now.” Raven bites the words, looking over her shoulder to make sure Bellamy isn’t watching them. Monty lets out a breath, his eyes squeezed shut. “Also I need to figure out better armoring if I’m going to keep doing this.”

“Better armoring? You don’t have armoring in the first place.” He hisses and she offers him a sheepish grin. He lets out another sigh but allows a small smile grace his lips. “I’ll look into it. Go get some work done.”

“Okay awesome, thank you! I’ll go. Oh, and Monty? Don’t say anything to anyone about Abby. I still have to tell the others.” She’s already walking off before he can offer a  retort. Once she’s at her workbench, she quickly pulls of her baseball shirt leaving her in a white tank top and jeans, bruises on her upper arms visible. She sighs at the fading purple and the rough day ahead of her as she picks up one of her toolboxes, loads some stuff into it, and makes her way over to her current project.

 

The text comes in about an hour later.

**Pocahontas [11:23]**

_ You are either taking an incredibly long lunch break or we are going to dinner tonight. You have a story to tell. _

She’s not wrong, it’s just probably going to be a very different story from what Octavia is imagining. She types out a quick response, opting for the later option, so she has more time to figure out exactly what she is and isn’t going to tell her friend.

**Dumbass Batman [11:25]**

_ Dinner. I need to get some work done today. _

**Pocahontas [11:29]**

_ Okay, but I want to hear all the juicy details. ;) _

Raven groans, cursing Bellamy silently. She wonders exactly what he told her as she prepares to let Octavia know, _ gently _ , that it wasn’t any type of fun that lead her to being this sore, even though if it was it would be easier for the both of them to handle the upcoming conversation.

**Dumbass Batman [11:30]**

_ They might not be the details you want… _

**Pocahontas [11:32]**

_ … I’m going to pretend I didn’t read that and try to not to damage my boyfriend. _

**Dumbass Batman [11:32]**

_ You’re at the gym?!? Now? DO YOU EVER STOP WOMAN?!?! _

Raven knows very well her friend rarely stops, as much as she might want her to. Evidence of this trait shown by the scar across Raven’s eyebrow where Octavia had been trying to teach her how to defend against knives, already having been going for hours when she had sped out, not realizing Raven wasn’t paying attention. Raven had noticed at the last second, knocking her hand upwards, missing her eye by inches, and the knife was barely even sharp, but at that speed and Octavia’s strength it had left a nasty gash, one Octavia had quickly rushed to help her with. She really hadn’t meant it, but it left it’s mark. A constant reminder of her friend, who had taught her, who she could count on in the end and that some actions, even well intentioned, can cause damage, no matter how small.

**Pocahontas [11:34]**

_ No, because I never know when I might have to save your ass. _

Raven winces at the anger and care behind it, wanting to pull herself away, even though she knows there is no getting rid of Octavia at this point, no matter how hard she attempts to push her away.

 

Raven winces as she pushes open the door to the bar hours later, muscles which hadn't been ready for work still aching from the events of Sunday night. The loud sounds of the bar do little to calm the anxiety already clawing at her insides. She spots her friend almost immediately in the back corner at one of the far tables, her sharp jaw clenched into a hard line. They make eye contact at the same time, Octavia relaxes a little, seeing no visible signs of damage besides the few light bruises she hadn’t been able to cover with clothes or makeup. Raven takes a deep breath before shouldering through the establishment, wincing every once and awhile as someone bumps her. When she gets to the table Octavia motions with her head for her to sit, she does.

“So… You’ve been avoiding me.”

“I was doing a damn good job too. Until Bell-”

“I’m glad he did. But I would much rather have you be honest with me than having to hear assumptions from my brother, which you later deny but don’t tell me what really happened, leaving me to speculate and what my brain comes up with is probably a lot worse than it actually is. All of that just makes me more frustrated with you than I need to be.” 

Raven feels guilt settle over the anxiety, she shifts in her seat uncomfortably, bruises and mental struggle feeling uncomfortable in the suddenly small space.

“Tavi… I’m sorry. It’s just that it was worse than usual this time and-”

“No. No excuses. I love you Raven, but neither of us have time for bullshit. Just tell me what happened... “ When the darker haired girl doesn’t look up the other covers her hand, moving her face to be in her line of sight. “Please?” she pleads, eyes softer than before, thumb running over her bruised knuckles with care. Raven breathes out, long and stressed before diving into an explanation, leaving out the whole _ ‘I-have-a-crush-on-Clarke’s-mom,’ _ thing out. She figures she’s not lying to her, just keeping it out, not like it’s important to the story.

By the time Raven finishes, the other girl looks drained, like she’s about to hit Raven herself or hug her. Either way Raven expects it to hurt. Most things do with Octavia. 

“Raven… The more people that know the more dangerous this is for you.”

“I know, but the more people I have on hand to help if shit goes sideways the better.”

“You aren’t seriously thinking about using Abby  _ again _ are you?”

“She wants me to call her if anything bad happens again. I promised.”

“It’s not going to.” Her eyebrows furrowed in defiance, “We are going to make you more aware of weapons and how to not  _ almost die _ .” Raven decides not to bring up how last time they had tried weapon defence Octavia had marred her face.

“Tavi… In this line of… Work… Stuff like this is bound to happen. You can’t protect me from all injuries.”

“But we can lessen the chances of them.” Raven doesn’t think her friend’s jaw could be any tighter.

“We can think of this as a good thing or a bad thing. I see the bad. Trust me, I do, but I also see how this could help. It could save my life. It already  _ has _ .” 

Octavia avoids her eyes, staring out into the bar, watching the patrons laugh and  mess around. Raven moves to get her attention, get Octavia’s eyes to meet hers once again.

“You can’t protect me forever,” she says, recalling back to when they were in high school and Octavia had punched some kid named Jason in the face for saying something sexist towards her.

“But I don’t have to stop worrying. I care about you.” This time it’s Raven avoiding Octavia’s eyes, painfully aware of them on her. “So does Lincoln. You and I were supposed to grow old together remember?”

“Yeah… Yeah I remember.” 

“Well it would be really hard to do that if you end up at the bottom of the ocean or dead in an alley. I just want you to be okay. _ I love you _ .” She glances back up at her friend, melting a little at the look Octavia is giving her, she jumps as her phone buzzes. 

_ Murphy. _

“Take it.” Octavia snaps out of the moment, going back to being angry. “He probably has info for you… I’ll be here when you get back. Just don’t run off and do anything  _ stupid _ .” Raven hates how bitter it sounds, but she picks it up, making her way outside.

“Reyes,” he greets firmly.

“ _ John, _ ” she replies, knowing it bothers him. There is a low growl from the other end.

“Do you want your info or not? Because that’s not the way to get it.” He snaps and she allows a slight smile at the annoyance in his tone. . 

“Lay it on me.”

“I’ve been hearing some crazy shit. This might not be a small thing. Well... It’s obviously not a  _ small _ thing, but I’ve been getting some high up names. Not like… Not crime high ups. Not mob. Like…  _ Really influential people _ . People who  _ own  _ a  _ hell _ of a lot of New York.” Raven’s interest sparks, somewhere in the back of her mind she is concerned by the potential magnitude of what he is about to explain. 

“Who? Who are you hearing about Murphy?” There is a scuffle on the other end and then a loud slam, followed by splashing and shouting echoing around. 

“Shit.  _ Shit _ , I gotta go.” His voice speeds up, trying to relay a little information as he is torn away. “Listen, it sounds like there is something going on in a few days, a meeting or something. Not too big, but maybe you can scare or beat or whatever you do, more out of them. I’ll get you the info in a few days. Until then,  _ be careful _ .”

“Murphy  _ wait _ -” the line clicks and she’s left standing outside, wondering just what she’s getting herself involved in. She lowers the phone away from her ear, staring down at it for a moment, eyes spotting missed texts from both of the Griffins. One from Abby, asking how she’s feeling, which she quickly types out a response to, and one from Clarke, asking why she hasn’t heard from her in a few days, which she ignores, knowing she’ll have to tell her eventually, just not tonight. One friend at a time.

She glances around, making sure no one heard her conversation with Murphy, even if they couldn’t hear his side of it. She bounces on her feet uneasily before breathing in and out, and turning back to return to Octavia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately Blake and Hannah did not work on this chapter, which, is a major bummer because I feel like they both made the first chapter what it is. Hannah kept me encouraged to keep going and Blake made me a better writer and also helped get me keep confidence about it up. Posting this without Blake encouraging me through it is weird, but hopefully next chapter we can go back to that.


	3. I've Been Underneath The Weight Of It All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm excited for people to read this chapter and I really want to know how everyone feels about it.  
> Alex was the home girl on this one and did 99% of the editing so MUCH APPRECIATED DUDE!  
> This chapter title is still a Handsome Ghost song, it's called Weight Of It All. If you listen to the lyrics I feel captures their relationship in this fic pretty well.

Raven had been right. Octavia wasn’t going to let her off the hook after what had happened. Nearly a week after their talk in the bar, Abby has given Raven the go ahead to start doing more physical activity and Raven had relayed this message to Octavia, fulfilling her promise to the other girl to notify her when she was doing better. A few days after she tells Octavia, a text wakes her early in the morning.

**Pocahontas [6:31]**

_Get up Reyes._

She doesn’t. She does have enough of a brain to pick it up and read it, worrying that it could be Murphy with some sort of important message, or Abby, which is reason enough to respond. But when she sees it’s not, she just rolls her eyes and snuggles back into her comforter.

**Pocahontas [6:36]**

_Meet me at the gym in thirty. For each minute you are late I will make you do an extra ten pushups._

This gets Raven up. Her body is still somewhat sore and purple and Octavia is going to want some payback anyway for Raven scaring her, plus Octavia is not exactly gentle anyway. The last thing she needs is to already be tired before they even start fighting. She stumbles out of her very warm bed, quickly pulling on a sports bra, a black shirt that she had cut the sleeves off of, a sweater and baggy dark gray workout shorts.

She makes her way into the kitchen, pulling her hair into her trademark ponytail as she grabs a water bottle. Then she drops herself down on her couch, lacing up pair of tennis shoes, her fingers frantic as she tries to make time.

**Pocahontas [6:44]**

_I expect you to be sweaty when you get there, Reyes. No cabs, no bike, no subway. Run._

She’s just about to step out the door when the text comes through. She really should’ve expected as much, but she had been planning on riding the shitty bike Bellamy had found her for her last birthday. Raven briefly wonders if Octavia is trying to make her late as she scrolls up to find the exact time Octavia sent the second text. She has twenty two minutes. It ticks down to twenty-one. This earns a sigh before Raven turns her key, locking the door and beginning to jog down the flights of stairs. It’s time she can make, but it’s not going to be fun.

She’s pushing the door open at 7:04, she knows because she’s watching her phone as she jogs through the streets, glancing up every two seconds to make sure she’s not about to run into anybody. Her friend is on the other side of the long room, fists repeatedly pummeling into a punching bag, Raven winces at this, knowing full well she’ll be in its position in a matter of minutes. She catches the bag with both hands, stopping it so she can look back at Raven.

Octavia saunters forward, picking up a sports drink and slowly taking a sip. Eyes sweeping over Raven in a way that could be considered predatory. Octavia’s mouth starts into “You’re late,” but she doesn’t even get through “you,” before Raven is responding with “I’m two minutes early.”

One of Octavia’s perfect eyebrows raise as she glances up at the clock.

“How do you figure?”

“You texted me to meet you here in thirty at six thirty-six. It’s only seven-o-four,” Raven breathes harshly, opening her water and draining it down. Octavia watches, the fond smile on her face disappears the second Raven stops drinking.

“Stretch and give me sixty.”

“You usually only make me do forty.”

“Well as you so cleverly pointed out, I said to meet me in thirty. You didn’t meet me in thirty. You met me in twenty-eight. You we’re still off time.”

“Octavia you fucking-”

“Do I need to make it eighty?” The corner of the other girl’s mouth lifts in a smirk and they both know she’s won. Raven sighs, dropping to her hands easily, immediately counting out loud with each push, knowing if she doesn’t she’ll do about twenty before the other girl makes her start over for not doing so. She can feel Octavia’s eyes on her and curses herself for trying to outsmart her. Octavia Blake always gets her way, and if you try to deter that then she’s going to make things much harder for you.

Octavia eventually drifts off, going to do something somewhere else. Raven ups the volume of the numbers, knowing it’s what she would want.

“Fifty-eight… Fifty-nine… Sixty!” Raven finally starts to get up when suddenly she’s being tackled back into the matt. They tumble for a few seconds, both trying to gain the upper hand, both trying to end up on top. Raven barely registers that she hasn’t put gloves on or bandaged her knuckles until her hand misses Octavia and lands hard into the ground, cracking painfully. In the moment it takes for her to press her teeth together harder, Octavia has her flipped over with her arm pinned above her head. Raven tries to use her free hand to get at Octavia’s stomach, but the other girl has captured it in moments and has it pressed next to the other arm.

Raven stares up at the other girl who is breathing heavily.

“What’s got you so worked up?” she asks, friend instics coming out because Octavia is seeming somehow even more aggressive than usual.

“ _Nothing_ ,” she announces hard, like she doesn’t want to be questioned. She pushes up and away from Raven, releasing her hands in the process. Raven quickly follows her lead, scrambling up her feet, knowing the next attack won't be so far off.

She’s right. One of her friends fists hits hard against her shoulder and Raven winces before striking back, landing a blow against Octavia’s lip that makes her stumble, hand instantly going to the area, when she pulls it away there is blood.

“Woah. Sorry, Tavi-”

“No. That’s good. That’s good. You’re getting better. Again.” She wipes the blood away with the back of her arm and Raven feels a surge of guilt.

“Octavia…” Raven warns, putting her hands up a little just incase.

“I’m okay,” the other girl responds.

“Just tell me-” she swerves out of the way of another blow before charging Octavia and pressing her against the wall awkwardly, “-what’s wrong.” Raven jams her shin into one of Octavia’s things, trapping her there.

They stay against each other like that for a few moments.

“Is this about Bellamy?”

She rolls her eyes. “Bellamy is fine

“How are you and Lincoln-”

“Can you just _stop_ ? We’re _fine_ ,” her voice cracks under the weight of her words and Raven wants to help her carry it. Then she’s turning away, putting a hand up to her face and taking a deep shuddering breath. Raven’s heart aches.

“Octavia,” She lets her go a little, “You can talk to me. We protect each other, remember?”

“Well this isn’t something you can protect me from. Just drop it.” She shoves Raven off her.

“... So you’re allowed to care about me but I can’t care about you?”

Octavia sighs, stopping in her tracks and pulling a hand through her thick cascade of brown hair. “Rave… Please. I still love you. I just need to deal with this myself.”

Neither of them can stand the long expanse of silence before Raven swallows, lump of emotion stuck in her throat. She really doesn’t want to cry. “If that’s how it’s gonna be I’ll just go,” she says, shaking a little.

“Raven-”

“Call me when you want to stop pretending what ever is wrong isn't.” Raven says harshly, tugging the door open with a sneer. She hears one last shout of “Raven!” before the door slams behind her.

* * *

 

“Someone is robbing a bank on fifth.”

“ _What? Are you inside?_ ” Raven asks hurriedly, already yanking her boots on and reaching for her hoodie, phone wedged between her shoulder and face.

“No. Outside behind the cops.”

Raven instantly calms, letting her hand come back to the phone.

“Okay good,” she breathes, “But if I were you I’d get out of there. Incase someone comes out shooting.”

“I’m going. There are hostages just so you know.”

“Why are you informing me of this?”

“Because isn’t this what you do?”

“No,” Raven lets out a breathy laugh, “One, it’s in broad daylight, too easy to be spotted, filmed or recognized. Two, the cops are already there. Three, I’m not _Batman_. Maybe if those guys learned how to correctly rob a bank I would do something about it.”

“How to correctly rob a bank? There’s a correct way? And you know it? Is there something you aren’t telling me _Ms. Reyes_? Do you use that mask of yours for something else I should know about?”

Raven can hear the smile in Abby’s voice and she can’t help when her lips upturn a little too.

“Oh yeah totally. Those guys are obviously amateurs. Everyone knows when you rob a bank you get in and out, you don’t stick around. They’re going to get caught by the cops on their first try.”

There is another laugh, and joy bubbles up inside Raven. They both go silent for a moment, Raven listens to the sounds of the New York streets on the other end of the line, hears cars flying by, people shouting, the constant hustle and bustle of the city moving on, even as Raven feels like everything has stopped, like it's just the two of them. She finally clears her throat, needing to pull away from this moment, because she is probably the only one experiencing this moment of pure awe as Abby sits in what is probably awkward silence, phone held to her ear as everything continues to go on around her, ignorant to Raven’s feelings towards her, waiting for the other girl to talk. “Bank robberies are a bit too big for me to handle anyway.”

There is another long span of quiet before Abby speaks again.

“Have you told Clarke?”

“Don’t you think you’d know by now if I told Clarke?”

“Right…”

“I’m working on it. She’s supposed to come over in a few days.”

”Raven,” Abby warns.

“I know, I know. I need to tell Clarke soon. I promise you I’ll do it the next time I see her… which is tomorrow actually.”

‘“What are you two going to do when she comes over?”

“Well we’re supposed to hang out for a bit and then… well, Octavia was supposed to come too. Us three were gonna hang out and watch movies.”

”And why is Octavia now in past tense?”

“We got into a fight.”

“About?”

“It seemed like something was bothering her and she wouldn’t tell me what.”

“You shouldn’t let that get in the way of your relationship…”

Raven sighs, feeling her stubbornness break a little. When she ends the call she texts Octavia, telling her to bring snacks and hopes the other girl will take that as an apology.

* * *

 

She opens the door to Clarke’s wide grin practically blinding her with its pureness. Her hands holding a bottle of wine and a case of movies, light brown purse thrown over her shoulder. Raven opens the door wider, moving out of the blonde’s way as she strides in.

“You order a pizza and I’ll put a movie in?” she asks, setting her stuff down on Raven’s heavily scratched coffee table, hands already moving to the zipper on the movies. The other woman’s feet shuffle, feeling somewhat uncomfortable in her own apartment. “ _Ferris Bueller_ or _Say Anything_ first?” Raven slowly eases the door closed, leaning back against it as Clarke continues making herself perfectly at home in her friends apartment. “Raven?” she questions, glancing back to her when she notices the lack of sarcastic response. She swallows before clearing her throat.

“You choose, but can we talk first?”

Clarke’s back straightens, instantly going into serious mode, obviously sensing the importance of the impending conversation.

“Yeah of course.”

Raven makes her way past the other girl, gesturing for her to sit at one of the bar stools, Clarke follows, caution barely detectable, but there. The brunette takes a deep breath, allowing her feet to carry her back and forth across her dark wooden floors, busying herself with something else so she can put off her fate a little longer.

Clarke knows about her nighttime escapades, about her constant need to fix things and help people, hell, Clarke has it too, she probably understands that part of Raven better than most. Although medical school is probably a far better way to exercise that need than a black tee shirt, steal toed boots, beating people up in alleys and running along rooftops in the middle of the night. Clarke doesn't like what Raven does, but she gets it, maybe even respects it, and Raven knows she would do anything to help keep her safe.

“Just say whatever it is you need to, Raven.”

“I did something kinda bad…concerning you.” she eases out, testing to see exactly how bad the scene of the crime will be when the police have to come clean her off the walls after Clarke is done with her.

She can feel the girl’s blue eyes boring a hole in her back. “What kind of bad?” she grits out. This makes the other girl stop in her tracks, smiling sheepishly.

“Well…the other night I got hurt. Like, really hurt and I meant to call you…” Raven stops herself shuffling her feet as she nervously glances over at her friend, “but I accidentally called your mom... “ Clarke’s eyebrows raise substantially. “And she came over and stitched me up…” The blonde’s eyes widen and Raven winces before adding, “Also she asked me to call if anything happened again.”

“Are you _serious_?”

“No Clarke. I’m pacing for absolutely no reason at all.”

“Shut _up_ , Raven. _God_ . Does she _know_?” When Raven doesn’t respond right away, she looks over her shoulder away from the coffee maker to see Clarke looking at her like she can’t believe her audacity.

“What? Look, your mom is smart and with the situation I was in it definitely wasn’t hard to put together.”

“Jesus Christ! Well you definitely can’t call her again! Why did you let her come over anyway?”

“It was kinda looking like I was gonna die so there wasn’t much time or reason to argue, even though we both know I did quite a bit of it anyway and she was not going to let it go.”

“You didn’t say you weren’t going to call her. I need you to promise me not to rope her into this anymore. Tell her you’ve stopped doing this after that scare.”

“That’s going to be kind of hard to believe when something I do ends up on the news or worse _I_ end up on it _dead_.”

Clarke lets out a long exasperated sigh.

“ _God_ , do you really have to drag _everyone_ into your _mess_?”

Raven briefly wonders if she’s talking about the vigilante thing or her life in general, but she figures it’s probably a little of both, and even if the blonde doesn’t mean it, more towards the side of the latter. It hurts a little to think Clarke is the one taking that jab at her, but she does seem to ruin most good things in her friend’s lives. Finn and Clarke had seemed to have something somewhat special until she had burst in with her rage of being cheated on. Lincoln and Octavia were practically perfect until Raven had come asking for help, and now they were seeming kind of like they’ve been having some problems. Monty had been getting less sleep, always up working on something or another for her. Jasper, his roommate and best friend (maybe more, not that it’s any of Raven’s business) apparently moved out because of the noise and Monty becoming increasingly more distant. Even Murphy whose life has always been complete shit seemed to go even more downhill since she brought him into this. Whenever she sees him there’s more bruises, vibrant purples and blues infecting his skin, spreading and nesting like a bad rash, and taking him over so that there seems to be less of him. She drags the people around her down, no matter how hard she tries to make things right.

Raven offers Clarke a small smile to hide the hurt. “I guess I can’t help it,” she breathes quietly. “So pizza then?”

“Don’t you think we should have more of a discussion about this?”

Raven shrugs. “Not really.”

* * *

 

An hour later Clarke has calmed down enough that they’ve been able to order and pizza and are about to start _Say Anything_ when her phone goes off on the coffee table. Murphy. They both glance up from the coffee table at the same time at each other.

They make eye contact and Clarke takes a moment to go over it in her head before granting Raven permission with a small nod. Raven feels a little bad for actually wanting to take the call.

“This is supposed to be a girls night. For the three of us to get to be normal for once. You, me, Octavia, movies and pizza.”

“I’ll be here when you get back. The pizza, maybe not. Just answer, you never know when something devastating could be happening in this city.”

“If I answer I might not be able to come back and hang out.”

“Raven. Answer.”

She does.

He says he needs to talk to her, now. He informs her of where to meet him before hanging up abruptly. He also says she doesn’t need to wear her ‘get up’, but she assumes she also shouldn’t wear anything too flashy, so she pulls on a large gray hoodie and black sweats before rushing out the door calling back, “Don't watch _Alien_ without me!” to Clarke, who she hears laugh under the loud bang of the door against the frame.

* * *

 

“Where are you?” Octavia calls, sounding beyond angry that Raven had left on their night before Octavia had even gotten the chance to see her.

“A bad part of town.”

“What bad part of town? There are a lot of those in New York.”

“One you aren’t invited to join me at.”

“Raven I just want to make sure you’re safe.” Octavia groans, caring far too much as always. It makes Raven’s heart ache, even after all the years of knowing Octavia, that she will do anything to protect her.

“I’m being perfectly safe,” she says right as loud yelling a block down.

“I swear to God, Reyes, if you get shot I’m gonna-”

“Bad connection.” Raven hangs up, breaking into a jog and turning the corner to find Murphy leaning against the brick wall as a group of men crowd around a smaller person further down.

“What are they doing?” she questions anxiously as the circle seems to be getting smaller around this person.

“Getting some well deserved revenge.”

“Meaning?”

“That guy destroyed a lot of their product, even killed one of their men.”

“And you called me to do something about it?” she asks, a lot more hopeful than she knows she should be.

“I called you to give you the information I have, since I’m gonna be here for a while I thought I’d do it now, and you’re gonna need it.”

“Why are you going to be here for a while?” She ignores the rest of his statement, needing to know just how severe this is going to be.

“I’m supervising. I promised Chris I’d get him out alive, but I also promised the COL a little bit of payback.”

“You _let_ this happen? And what’s the COL?”

“I lead him here. He knows what needs to be done. COL is The City Of Light, just another crime organization, nothing we need to worry about.”

“At least not yet… Sound’s a little cult-y to me. How’d it start?”

“I have no idea.” he huffs, sounding overly agitated by the question, she figures he has some ties there. Maybe some trouble. “Do you want the info or not?” She fixes her eyes on him, on the bandage above his brow, the puffy corner of his lip and the bump in his sharp nose. Broken. She lets his rushed words from their previous phone conversation play through her mind. Curiosity gets the best of her. She lets it go.  

“Who’s the big shot you were talking about before?”

“That’s the thing. I don’t know.”

“Are you kidding me? You called me here and you don’t even know who we’re after-”

“I’ve narrowed it down to a few companies it could be stemming from.”

“And those are?”

“Weather Corp., ALIE or Polis.”

“Oh _shit_.

“Right? And get this, I’ve been hearing about something else. Someone else.”

“What do you mean?” She asks, leaning more into the conversation now.

“A bunch of people I’ve gone to have been too scared to talk to me. Someone else has been hitting people where it hurts. A bunch of drugs were destroyed, money stolen. People have even been killed by whoever this person is. Unless you’ve got some explaining you would like to do, I think this is something we should look into.”

“It’s definitely not me… Why would they put themselves into this kind of life?”

“Probably for similar reasons you did.”

“How many people are dead?”

“At least three, I've heard it could be as many as seven. I couldn’t get exact numbers.”

“Fuck.”

“It’s not like that would be more than you.”

“If this person is doing that much damage _everyday_ then hell yeah that’s more than me.”

“So we should do something about it then?”

“Uh, yeah, Dumbass. See if you can get any information on the guy. I need to find him before he does something stupid.”

“Like you won't? And what if he turns you in?”

“Then he’d be turning himself in.” She doesn’t bother with the other question as she watches the man in the middle of the group behind them begins coughing up a thick substance. She winces. “I thought you said _alive?_ ”

He glances back over his shoulder and she hears a soft whisper of ‘ _shit_ ’ before he’s turning back to her. “I’ll try to get more on who we’re after and who the unknown is, until then, here is the information on that meeting I was telling you about’” he hands her a small slip of paper. “Now get out of here.” He leaves her, jogging back over to pull this guy out of the fray. Raven watches for a few more moments before she leaves, brain filling with a small sense of dread at what’s to come.

* * *

 

When she gets home Octavia lectures her for a few minutes before giving up and letting her relax next to her and Clarke on the couch. Octavia even stops the movie they were watching to put in _Alien_ , which is much appreciated but Raven is passed out before Octavia can even sit back down.

The next morning, Raven notifies Abby that Clarke knows of their arrangement. She calls Abby the second the other girl steps out of her apartment, leaving out the achy feeling in her chest Clarke had inflicted on her after calling out her tendency of being a fuck up. She finds herself hoping to god later she doesn’t mess anything up for Abby. The other woman seems happy with the state of her relationship with her daughter and thanks Raven, something she’s not too used to. It causes another one of the smiles Raven can’t seem to stop when talking to, thinking about, or when spending time with Abby. Raven has spent so much time trying to be a hero. Maybe the new smile, the one which pulls pleasantly at something inside her chest, arrived when she finally had one of her own. Even heroes need someone to save them sometimes.

When she goes to the address on the paper Murphy gave her a few days later, it’s a bust. Someone had been there before her. She walks into a scene full of injured lowlifes and she even thinks some of them are dead. She doesn’t stick around long.

* * *

 

Abby helps her countless times over the next few weeks at the end of long nights, or just when Raven is feeling particularly achy. It’s a sprained ankle here, jammed fingers there, cuts, scrapes, bumps, bruises. Abby is always there to help her with bandages, rubbing alcohol, pain medication, and lots of ice. They don’t really have another conversation about what exactly it is Raven does, constantly edging round it and wanting to avoid it. Raven avoids it out of fear that Abby will try to talk her out of it or stop her.

“Why do you do this?” Abby asks one night, her voice gentle, the soft pads of her fingers halting against the raw unbandaged skin of Raven’s thigh. Abby’s skilled hands have already extracted shards of broken glass from a particularly nasty slide as she escaped down an alley and into a dumpster, one she hadn’t checked for possible danger. Abby’s cleaned the copious amount of cuts covering the entire side of Raven’s thigh and has begun to wrap some gauze around it when she interrupts the quiet that has settled over them, none of their usual banter and conversation present.

“Because someone has to,” Raven gives her the rehearsed response, really hoping Abby will let it go.

“No, really. What started it?”

“That night in the alley when I-”

“Raven… Really? Where does it _all_ start?” There is a pause before Raven lets out a long shaky breath.

“My mom… my mom uh…she died when I was nine. She’d been raising me on her own, my dad was a dead beat,” she explains, “...druggie, alcoholic, that kind of thing. Not that she was too good about alcohol either. Kicked him out when I was, like, two. But anyway, she was raising me on her own so she had a bunch of different jobs to support the two of us. Bartender, waitress. It worked for a while, but eventually…these guys…guys my dad knew, came around looking for him. They wanted some money he owed ‘em. I guess my mom couldn’t convince them that she didn’t know where he was, so they told her to get the money. She was young and we were barely scraping by as it is…so…she started selling herself.” Raven pauses as Abby winces, having obviously seen it coming.

“She was trying to get the money to them on time and keep us in our shit hole of an apartment while keeping me fed…I guess she didn’t get all the money to them by the date they wanted it…she didn’t come home one night. They found her in an alley a few days later…she was all…they beat her up before they finally shot her.” Raven stops talking, eyes drifting off in thought. Abby doesn’t bother asking why that relates to Raven doing what she does, the younger woman hopes that means Abby gets it.

“When was the last time you got a good night’s sleep?” Abby murmurs after a long span of quiet, too caring for how close she is to Raven’s face. Her grainy voice luring Raven out of her thoughts, digging just right into Raven’s ears. She feels her tired eyes soften with her remaining sadness, and from the hurt in her heart at the fact that Abby didn’t ask for more, that she again did what she thought was right to make Raven feel at least a little more okay.

Raven’s hand suddenly lifts with the need to stroke Abby’s cheek, but she realizes what she’s doing midway and changes its course, bringing it to her own shoulder to rub at the sore muscle by her neck.

“Uh…” Her voice is heavy with exhaustion and painful memories. She lets out a huff of a laugh. “It’s been a while.” They sit there for a few moments more, Abby’s eyes studying her intently, then suddenly her hands are skating quickly up Raven’s bruised arms, making her cells instantly recharge with energy.

“Let’s catch you up on that, huh?” she asks, standing and offering Raven help even though both of them know she doesn't need it. Raven has to wait a moment for her brain to reconnect before she takes her up on the offer and lets Abby help pull her to her feet. Abby’s arm instantly moves over her shoulder, guiding her through the apartment. Raven hadn’t even realized she was this exhausted until she started walking.

“Let’s get you into bed, Honey.”

The name barely registers in Raven’s brain as she finally gets back into her room, shoulders slumping as she shuffles forward. She watches as Abby moves past her to pull the comforter back, and Raven’s hand comes down to the mattress and she’s pretty sure she could fall right through it. She slowly eases herself down onto it, and somewhere in the back of her head she figures she should probably have more of a guard up right now, like always, but with the way her bed feels and with Abby looking at her like she does and with all the things they’ve shared and that they both know, she figures it doesn’t matter anymore at this point. If Abby was going to attack her, or use any of this against her, she’d have done it by now. The woman pulls the sheets back up over her, making sure she is fully covered before turning away.

“I’ll be in the living room if you need-”

“Stay?” Raven mumbles, into her pillow.

“... What?”

“Stay.”

“I’m not leaving? I’m just going to-”

“No. Stay _here_.”

Abby pauses in the doorway, turning back to stare at her, Raven opens one eye to look back. She lifts the blankets back up, patting the spot next to her softly. There’s an awkward pause before Abby steps back toward her, settling herself down on the edge of the bed like she’d ready to bolt.

“I’ll sit right here to make sure you’re okay…”

“Abby. You need sleep too.” The older woman sighs before giving in, she lifts her legs up and moves so she’s more on the bed, pulling the covers over her. “There. I’m here. Now sleep okay? You need to rest.”

Raven falls asleep with Abby’s hand resting against her wrist.

Raven wakes up the next morning with the blankets tucked tightly around her. Feeling no other weight on her bed, she slowly pushes herself up onto her forearms. No Abby. Her cheeks suddenly flush when she realizes that she actually had asked Abby to sleep in her bed, with her. Then she feels a sharp pang at her heart at the fact that Abby is no longer there. She lets out a long regretful sigh, swinging her legs over the side and beginning her trek out to the kitchen.

Her feet make light sounds with each step on the hardwood as she makes her way down the long hallway. She shields her eyes when she gets to the living room, large windows allowing significant amounts of sunlight to violently blind her. She needs a coffee or a red bull or a five hour energy or just _something_ to get her out of this coma-

“Raven?” Or Abby Griffin sitting unexpectedly on her couch. She jumps, heart leaping into her throat, and lungs sucking in air in preparation for a winded scream. Her eyes get stuck on the light blonde streaks in the doctor’s hair, shining almost angelically. Raven can’t stop looking at her. She’s practically glowing in the early light, shadows highlighting her delicate features. Raven wonders if her heart would’ve just stopped if she had woken up next to that sight, if Abby, with all of her nursing skills, would've been able to revive her. Then her mind jumps again, what if that already happened and this _is_ her version of heaven? She finds herself wondering what exactly she could’ve done to deserve this. How many people do you have to rescue to get an eternity with a beautiful angel who can’t seem to stop saving you when you just can't stop saving others? “Raven?” Her name sounds far off, like a beautiful song heard from too far away, but she sees Abby’s mouth move, so she knows she’s said something else, but the younger woman has no idea what to say.

“Uh…”

“How are you feeling?”

Raven assumes she’s just repeated herself.

“Oh uh…” she mentally does a scan of her body, she can still feel everything. There is a dull pain in her leg that she somehow forgot about. Not heaven?

“I’m okay. My uh…my leg hurts.”

“Well I’d expect so,” Abby laughs, her hand brushing down from her cheek, coming to rest on the back of the couch where her arm is propped up, eyes shining just right against the pale yellow lit back drop.

“You had over thirty shards of glass in it.”

Raven has to blink a few times, trying to force herself to look away from the gorgeous picture perfect sight in front of her. She wishes Clarke was here, to draw it. She even doubts that would do it any justice. She ends up rethinking her career path as a mechanic and vigilante as she wonders if she should just be using her life to capture this pure beauty in small moments like this, that she had a really expensive camera and a knowledge of photography to capture it perfectly.

“Thirty?” she questions, not even remembering exactly that happened, or what Abby even said moments ago.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah…yeah I’m good.”

“Maybe you should go lay back down...” Abby responds cautiously, looking at Raven like she’s wondering if she hit her head.

“No… I… I have-” she finally breaks her gaze to look over at the clock. 10:54. She glances back at Abby before ripping her eyes back to the time. “-work. Oh fuck. I have _work_ …like… _Now_ . Fuck!” And she’s off, bolting into the kitchen as quick as possible. She snatches up the coffee pot before sliding over to the skink and flipping it on, leaving the pot there before rushing over to the bowl on the other side of the counter. She picks up an apple, fingers sinking into a gooey center. She curses dropping the rotted mush back instantly. “Are you fucking kidding me? Damnit. _Fuck_. I’ll get it lat- SHIT!” She looks back over to see the pot over filling.

“Are you sure work is such a good idea?” Abby questions, suddenly on the other side of the bar. Raven’s eyes get stuck again for a moment before snapping herself back to the situation at hand.

“Uh, _yes_?” She says, as though it’s obvious.

“Even with your-”

“ _God,_ would it _kill me_ to go shopping?” She slams the fridge and yanks open a cabinet, pulling out coffee and- “ _Jesus fuck_ -” Coffee powder spills across the black counter top and Raven groans, hands fisting in her hair, one still covered in rotten fruit. “MOTHERFUCK-” Abby lets out an amused chuckle and Raven tries to wipe her hand off on her black wifebeater.

“Raven, _Raven_. I’ll get this. You, go get dressed.” The older woman laughs, pushing Raven out by the shoulders, making Raven’s brain go funny at the skin to skin contact. “Wash your hand, and your hair for that matter. Throw something on and I’ll take you.”

“Take me?” Her brain nearly short circuits, going anywhere but putting something on. She feels like she should be taking stuff _off_.

“Yeah I’ll drive you. That will be faster than walking.”

“Oh…oh yeah right uh…I’ll just…clean up.”

* * *

 

Raven runs back out to find Abby waiting at the counter. She's even managed to make her breakfast with the non existent remnants of her pantry and fridge (she really needs to go shopping), and it's not even a microwaveable burrito. It's toast with peanut butter and half of a banana. Where she found somewhat decent fruit, that is not in the process becoming something that could actually be considered toxic waste, will always be a mystery to Raven.  
"God, you're a lifesaver," she breathes, grabbing both with one hand from the plate Abby had set them on, while wrapping her other arm over Abby’s shoulder and bringing her lips to Abby’s cheek before pulling back, scooping her backpack up from where she had dropped it behind the couch yesterday.  
"Literally," Abby chuckles again. Raven groans as she bites into the still warm toast. "I would've made you pancakes, but I didn't think we had much time." This is greeted with an even louder noise.  
" _Yesf_." She grumbles through a mouthful of food, yanking the door open and moving out of the way for Abby to follow. " _Soom._ We'll do it. I'm not suchf a bag cook myseff _._ " Abby looks at her like she’s speaking a different language, but she’s still smiling, so Raven assumes she understands. She turns the key in the lock quickly before bounding off through the hallway and down the stairs of the building.  
  
When Abby pulls up outside the garage Raven heaves a sigh or relief that maybe she won't be completely late.

“Thank you so much, Abby.” She smiles, snatching up her bag. Abby starts to reply but then Raven leans over the console and plants a kiss to Abby’s cheek before hopping out and jogging to the door. She raises her hand in a wave as she closes the door behind her.

Bellamy has a quizzical look on his face as she pushes past him in the waiting room to speak to Sinclair.

“Hey boss. Sorry I’m late. I slept in accidentally.”

“Rough night?” He questions, barely glancing up from his computer at her ruffled appearance.

“Uh… Something like that…”

“It’s okay Raven. It’s a slow morning and you are my best employee. You get some leeway.”

“Thanks.” God she loves this job.

“But not too much leeway. Get to work Reyes.”

She salutes him, suppressing a smile as she walks into the garage to her work station, Bellamy following close behind her.  
"Was that... was that Clarke's mom who just dropped you off? Are you-" It's the second Raven realizes being late wasn't a problem, that it dawns on her what just happened in the car. Her heart stops a little, but she pushes that worry aside as she tries to come up with an excuse as to _why the fuck she just kissed Clarke’s mom. Twice._ She continues on to her work table and begins fumbling about.  
"Bellamy. She was just in the neighborhood and I was running late. She offered to drive me so I wouldn't have to walk and be even more behind."  
"But how did she even know you were late?" He sounds skeptical, and in all honestly she would be too in this situation. It causes her to pause.  
"Uh..." There are loud clangs of metal as she rifles through a tool box as well as her thoughts. "Clarke."

“Clarke… Uh huh.” She glances over her shoulder at him

“Don’t you have someone else to bother?”

“Nope. Just you. It’s my job to annoy my sisters.”

“Get out of here Bellamy…. I’m working and, last time I checked, you are too.”

He shoves her a little by the shoulder

“You’re no fun,” he teases before walking away happily.  


* * *

 

Abby and Raven sit on the couch in Raven’s apartment a few nights later, boxes of Chinese food in their laps, one of Raven’s season DVDs of _Buffy_ in the player, when Abby asks the question Raven had been hoping she wouldn’t.

“What was she like?”

Raven knows exactly who Abby’s talking about, but pretends she doesn’t anyway.

“Who?” She motions to the TV with her head. “Buffy?”

“Your mom?” Her tone seems quieter than in the first question. Raven lets her eyes fall.

“She was a good mom,” she says, repeating her constant train of thought from the years following her death. “She just had a lot of problems. She took care of me as best she could.” She says all of the things she used to convince herself of the same thing.

“And her personality?”

“She was…I don’t know. I don’t know how to talk about her.”

The two of them both go silent at this, Raven keeps her eyes on her noodles and off Abby. She hears the drawn out breath before a hand is placed steadily on her knee like an anchor. She feels the worry leave her body.

“What about Octavia?” Abby asks, her voice a tone Raven has never heard before.

“Octavia is…everything. She’s my family. My best friend. I don’t know where I’d be without her.”

“So…you’re close.”

Raven laughs a little. “ _Obviously_ . She’s like my _sister_.”

She hears a satisfied hum from Abby, and she glances over at the woman who has suddenly become very amused with her food.

“Good?”

“Definitely.”

Raven grins and lets herself relax into the couch for a rest before her next outing.

* * *

 

It’s been an exceptionally long night, longer than usual. Raven hasn’t slept in two days. She’s getting closer, and it feels like she’s within reach, like she could finally get this these guys, this _organization_ , off her streets.

She’s pulls herself up the fire escape, muscles tensing with each step, pain twinging throughout her body, every nerve on edge, each one cursing her recklessness. Again.

Abby is waiting for her as she comes through the window, she sees her standing across the apartment, mug of coffee in hand, foreign after having not seen her in a few weeks. They stare across at each other through the dimly lit room, glow coming from only the moon and few lights from the street as her clothing drips rain and blood onto the wooden floors.

 _Pat, pat, pat_.

The other woman sets down her drink and makes her away from the kitchen to Raven who watches her make her way across the space with ease, familiarity. Raven can see the worry on the older womans face at the sight of the deep red drops.

“It’s not mine,” she informs as Abby reaches out to Raven’s chin, lightly nudging her head to inspect for any bumps or bruises.

“You don’t know that. You didn't feel yourself get stabbed remember?” She seems satisfied with the condition of her face, that it is the same as when she left, maybe plus a bruise or two, but nothing major. Her hands move down.

“Abby,” Raven catches her wrists softly. “I’m _okay_.” she whispers, trying to reassure her, calm her anxiety.

Raven lets her thumbs rub the backs of Abby’s hands. Abby’s fingertips hover over Raven’s shirt, against the original injury that had lead her here, the spot under her ribs where the knife had cut into her. Raven meets Abby’s eyes softly, trying to show she’s alright, and trying to convey something else. She doesn’t know exactly what.

“Just let me check you? Please?”

Raven can’t tell her no when her eyes are staring into hers like it’s the most important thing she could do right now. Finally, Raven nods, letting go, and Abby’s hands instantly find purchase in the shirt. She feels Abby brush against her lower stomach as she pulls it up. Raven lifts her arms so the removal is easier, exposing countless bruises, scrapes and scars. Some newly acquired gifts, some old faded memories. All of them souvenirs of her countless bad decisions and risk taking.

Abby examines her body in silence. Raven hisses as she presses down on a particularly tender area.

“Does that hurt?” She asks softly, pressing the spot on her back again. Raven rolls her shoulder, trying to alleviate it.

“A little.”

“Raven.”

“Okay. It hurts, but it’s just a bruise.”

“What about this?”

“Just a scrape.”

“And… This?” her hands find that scar again, and Raven doesn’t understand exactly why Abby is so fixated on it tonight.

“Just a memory.” She says softly, letting her own hand come up to cover Abby’s over it.

“I’m sorry it didn’t heal better. I just didn’t-”

“Abby.... It’s okay. I’m going to have scars, everyone does. I accepted that a long time ago. It’s just a mark in my skin. It doesn’t bother me anymore.” Raven meets her eyes, looking at Abby with something close to awe, eyes questioning. “I’ve lived with scars my whole life.”

She moves to sit on the back of the couch, pulling her stretchy black pants up her leg, she grabs Abby’s hand and places it on the long white blemish against her knee from when she had fallen (or been pushed) off a bike.

“Look. I got this in foster care.” She moves them again, “And this one.” She continues showing her all of the countless scars, from before she even decided to risk her life on a nightly basis. She tries to convey just how long her skin has been marred, to show that there has never been a life for her without these marks.

Finally she gets to one that Octavia doesn’t even know where it came from. It’s small on her wrist, just a small knick, could be from anything really, but Raven has it memorized. She remembers the exact feeling of the ashtray shattering next to her on the wall, her hands raising to shield her face. The glass hadn’t really gotten stuck in her arm anywhere other than this spot, and the few shards that had all healed pretty well, except for the one constant reminder of something she really wants to pretend isn't true. She’ll remember to laugh at the irony of her showing Abby her oldest scar, made by glass, after the woman had just fixed her set of newest ones, also made by glass.

“This one…was actually my mom…before she…you know.” She lets the admission hang in the air. The implications of it that she really hopes Abby understands, even at the size of the mark, seemingly unimportant compared to all of the other ones. Abby’s breath hitches and Raven thinks she gets it, but she can’t stop herself from showing off more proof, showing things she’s never shown anyone, letting it dawn on herself how _bad_ it is. It’s easy to find another, a small circular burn against the the curve of her shoulder. It’s the kind of brand that only comes from a cigarette being pressed into young flesh.

“ _Raven,_ ” Abby’s voice cracks, hands suddenly pressing into skin harder. Raven glances away from their hands to see tears forming.

“ _Hey_ …hey, it’s okay. What’s wrong?” She asks, breaking from her trance, instantly ready to comfort the other woman.

“She…she…what kind of mom-” Her own sob cuts her off as the first tears fall. She can’t seem to finish the thought, and the younger woman lets her hand come up to wipe the tears away as they fall.

“You don't deserve any of this.”

Raven’s eyebrows raise, and she looks away, scoffing a little.

“It’s not about what we deserve. I’ve made my choices. I’m just saying pain isn’t new to me, so you don't have to worry.”

“Of course I do… I… I care about you Raven.”

There is a long pause as Raven tries to figure out exactly what this means. Her eyes run along Abby’s features, along the line of her brow, to each of her deep brown eyes, pulling her in further, down the sharp edge of her nose and finally...down. Raven gulps, trying to keep her actions in check, but before she knows it she’s rushing forward like a dam breaking, which she supposes is understandable since she’s been holding this off for months. It was only a matter of time.

She knows it’s an awful idea. It could ruin everything. Abby could react badly, leave running, or tell the cops. She could be minus her doctor right before her most dangerous mission yet. She could also lose Clarke if Abby were to say anything, then she’d be without one of her already limited friends, and the last of her medical contacts. It’s stupid impulsive and reckless, but stupid, impulsive and reckless is both her job description and what it says under her name on her driver's licence.

After months of waiting she finally floods into Abby’s space, the press is softer than she expected. There is a long pause as they both just sit against each other. Raven nearly goes into a panic at the lack of response and starts to pull away but then she feels a hand fly to the back of her neck and another to her opposite hip. They crash against each other like the chaos of a tidal wave against solid rock. Wild and unpredictable against a constant immovable force.

Their lips slide together and Raven’s heart stutters, her breath catching, as nails drag along the soft skin of her neck before winding into Raven’s hair,

Raven feels her skin practically vibrating, her muscles feeling the need to jerk, move, get closer to her, get more contact. Raven wonders how her body regained so much energy. She feels like the water is evaporating off her clothes, drying against her body heat. She feels like she could run a mile. Two, even three, if Abby wanted her to.

They pull away slowly, hands remaining firmly in their places, and moments after they separate, Raven is jumping back into it, already missing the feeling. She draws back as quickly as she rushed forward.

“Uh…sorry.” She laughs, nervously, eyes darting to the ground. All of her insecurities suddenly come flooding back. She was too eager. Abby is straight. Why would an elegant woman, a _doctor_ , like Abby ever like some mechanic from a bad background, nineteen years younger than her who is constantly getting herself into some sort of trouble. A girl who she’s had to bandage up a _stupid_ amount of times. Why would she want someone who has been fucked over so many times by nearly all the people she’s ever cared about that she can barely trust anymore. Raven is never going to be good-

Then Abby’s hand is under her chin, tilting her head up.

“Hey…what’s wrong?”

“Just uh… “

“I like you,” Abby stops what would be impending silence and Raven freezes. “Really… I do. I think I even liked you when I met you but wouldn’t admit it because…”

“It would make you a cougar?” Raven laughs awkwardly.

Abby rolls her eyes but there is a small smile somewhere in her expression as she rests her forehead against Raven’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blake and Hannah are both absent on this one again. I feel weird about that because this is the chapter I've been most excited to share and they haven't been around to do it with me... Missing you guys. Hope you like the chapter.


	4. I Hope It Doesn't Do Me In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> Sorry this has taken so long, summer was not fun for me.  
> Hope you guys enjoy.

Death had never been one of Raven’s worries.

When she was young she was always treated as more of a burden than a person with feelings, which she supposes lead to her lack of self-preservation instincts. As an adult, this manifests in the way she spends her nights, constantly battered, bruised and in constant danger of being shot. If something were to happen to her while she was kicking ass then that was fine by her, at least she’d have traded her shitfest of a life in for some people who could probably do some good. If she died there wasn’t much she’d be leaving behind, no family besides Octavia and Bellamy (who were honestly probably better off without her anyway) to worry about hurting and they’d get through it, both of them were good at getting past events like that.

Dying had never been a major concern. A fear? Yes. Something Raven actually thought would affect much of anyone or anything? No. That is until Abby came into the picture as more than just her personal nurse.

But the second Raven realized that she wasn’t alone in her feelings and that there seemed to be possibilities of a future, a _ family _ , with Abby that all changed.

Which is what leads her into trying to make the last few steps of getting through the journey she started to run as smoothly as possible.

She races around her apartment erratically, trying to get everything in order for the next few days, attempting to prepare for a meeting. Everyone that knows what she does and can aid in getting it over with are coming over to talk about a game plan. Octavia, Monty, Lincoln, Murphy, Clarke and Abby. Everyone meeting up in her living room for the first time… At least about this. She’s pretty sure some things won’t go over too well.

Raven adjusts the layout of her gear across her coffee table over and over, she retakes inventory of the weapons she already has in her possession every forty minutes like clockwork. There is a constant repetition of aggressive movements that flow through her, kicking at air, vaulting over her couch and undercutting absolutely nothing (and a punching bag Lincoln had attached to the ceiling of Octavia’s old bedroom when she isn’t correcting something that doesn’t need correcting).

Her muscles move automatically through fighting techniques as she makes her rounds through the apartment, blocking out most things going on around her, which is what leads to her nearly whacking Abby in the face when the front door opens.

Abby makes a surprised sound and drops something she’s carrying as she jerks out of the way of the side of Raven’s fist.

“Oh fuck. I’m so sorry, Abby,” Raven exclaims, stepping forward to make sure the older woman is okay when her foot meets a cold substance on the ground. She glances down to see two empty coffee cups with a mixture light and dark brown liquid pooled around them.

Abby sighs, lifting her gaze back up to Raven with a tired smile. “It’s okay, Raven.”

“No, really it’s not I didn’t mean to-”

“Raven, really. It’s fine.”

“Hold on I’ll clean it and make us some more okay?” She doesn’t even wait for an answer before she takes off into the kitchen, gathering up some rags and plugging the coffee maker in hurriedly. She turns back around to see Abby standing at the bar of the kitchen, staring at her with worried eyes. 

“I’m sorry. You just caught me by surprise.”

“You told me to come at four-thirty…”

“Yeah, I just wasn’t expecting you to be here so early.”

“Raven… It  _ is _ four-thirty.”

“What?”

“You need to slow down.” Abby takes the cloth out of her hands. 

Raven stares at her dumbfounded. She’d almost decked Abby and she’s concerned about her. “You really don’t need to-”

Abby’s eyes meet hers and her hand finds her cheek as she breathes, “Raven, I’ve got it.”

A few beats pass before Raven lets go of the towel and releases the air held captive in her lungs.

“When was the last time you slept?” Abby asks, spotting the dark circles under Raven’s eyes.

“That’s certainly a recurring theme with you, huh?” Raven snaps a little, tired of Abby and Octavia both treating her like she doesn’t know all of the things she’s doing wrong (at least Clarke is honest about it). “I’m sorry, that was harsh.”

Abby sighs and places her hand over Raven’s. “You need to relax.”

“Kind of hard to do when your life is on the line.”

“You don’t have to go through with this-”

“Abby. You know I do.” 

“You’ve already done so much for this city, you don’t owe a thing to anyone.”

“I started this. I have to finish it.”

Abby’s eyes remind Raven of shattered glass with the jagged pain that shows through them. “I know. Just wishful thinking.”

Neither is sure who moves first but before they know it they’ve engulfed each other in an attempt to calm them both down. Raven tries to be strong and seem unaffected but is quickly trembling against Abby and they are both pressing in as close as they can possibly get to each other.

“I just don't want anything to happen to you,” the rawness of Abby’s voice makes Raven’s heart crumble further inside her withering chest. “You mean so much to me.”

Abby’s cheek brushes across Raven’s neck and she can feel the beginnings of tears starting to fall.

“Hey,” Raven leans back to look her in the face. “I shouldn’t make any promises, but I swear I’m going to do everything I possibly can to come back to you.”

Abby just pulls her back in and they find themselves curled up together on Raven’s wood floors, coffee long forgotten in the entry way.

* * *

 

“So… You and Octavia fighting?” Raven asks, mid duck as fists are thrown towards her.

Lincoln’s feet stop to rest on the mat firmly, lowering his fists and straightening up to look at her. “I guess you could say that,” he gives her a weary smile. “We’re trying to work through it... I think she has some…  _ Feelings _ , that haven’t been addressed yet and she says she doesn’t-”

He lands into the blue padding with a painful smack. Using Octavia’s own move against him, Raven had swiped her legs out under his, sending him careening back into the floor. He lets out a cough as his back hits the ground, eyes shutting firmly.

“Well that’s certainly familiar,” he grumbles through his teeth.

“If she says she doesn’t, she doesn’t.”

“I wasn’t ready for that,” he mumbles, pushing himself to sit up.

“Don’t ignore me.”

“Rave…”

“You don’t get to call me that right now. I’m mad at you.”

“Mad at me?”

“Yes! Whatever is going on with you two right now is obviously affecting her and I think you need to back off.”

He sighs, rubbing his head like he has a headache forming. “Raven. You know just as well as I do, if not better, that she has a tendency to shut down when someone else is right about how she feels and she doesn’t want to admit it.”

Raven thinks back to the week before and how Octavia had tried to block her out when she had brought up what was wrong. Raven remembers back further to when they were younger and all the times Octavia had denied having crushes on people that she so obviously had crushes on, like when they were fourteen at the orphanage and a boy named Atom had begun to take special interest in her and how when she had first met Clarke she had been really passive aggressive and surly with the blonde (at the time Raven had chalked it up to being about Finn and how he’d hurt Raven, when really she’d just thought that Clarke was cute).

Then the memory of all of the times other kids at the orphanage had blamed her for things she hadn’t done, like breaking a window or stealing something from a local store (a lot of time Raven would take the fall, just to keep Octavia from being punished).

“Yeah, I know, but she  _ also  _ closes down when people are accusing her of things that aren’t true. Let it go, Lincoln. You two are too good for each other to get into stupid arguments.”

He forces a grimace at her. “Good to know you think so.”

She doesn’t have time to wonder exactly what that means before he’s speaking up again. “I do love her, Raven.”

“You hurt her I’ll-”

“I know. I hurt her and you’ll kick my ass. Trust me, I don't doubt it.”

Raven nods, smiling a little at him. He places his hand on her shoulder and takes a deep breath. “You love her too right?”

Raven laughs a little at the ridiculous question. “Of  _ course _ I love her. She’s been there for me through everything. Hasn’t let me down once. I’d do anything for her.”

“Good… Good. And… I know you’re really trying to get ready to take whatever this is on… I want you to know that I want to help. I’ve talked to Murphy, and I know he’s planning to back you up, but you’re gonna need more help than that. I want to keep you safe. Not just because you’re my friend, but for Octavia.”

Raven feels warmth rush through her and smiles at the man, good to know Octavia and herself have someone like him in their lives. “Thank you.”

“But… I don’t want Octavia to be anywhere near it.”

“I don’t either. Trust me.”

“She’s not gonna back down easily.”

“I lived with her for over 10 years. You act like I need to be told this.”

His eyes flicker away from her and down to the ground. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“She’s one of the few people in this world I would rather die than see in pain, she’s had enough of that in her life.”

“You realize it would hurt her if anything happened to you? Right?” Raven feels as though the universe is trying to hammer that sentiment into her head, as though she’s not getting, even after all this time, that she could die. She sighs, letting out her frustration before nodding back at him. 

“I know. I know. I’ll be fine, and even if I’m not she’ll have you, because if you’re coming with me, you are first priority.”

“Thank you.”

“No problem, buddy.”

* * *

 

_ “What did you want to be when you grew up?” Abby asks, fingers creating patterns across Raven’s neck. _

_ “Hm?” Raven mumbles back, half asleep from the easy calm that has overtaken her room and the soothing motions across her abused skin. _

_ “Like when you were little, what job did you want?” _

_ Raven laughs lowly, flipping over onto her other side to look at Abby. She uses the other woman’s hip to pull her closer. “Well, you know that shirt of mine you are so fond of?” _

_ “NASA?” _

_ “NASA. I always wanted to work for them. Be a mechanic or something…” Raven says, suddenly embarrassed as she buries her face into her pillow. _

_ “I highly doubt you wanted to be a mechanic when you were what? Five? You wanted to be an astronaut didn’t you?” _

_ Raven kisses her as best she can through her smile. “Caught me.” _

_ “That’s so cute,” Abby breathes quickly, so she can attach their lips again. _

_ “What about you?” _

_ “I wanted to be a nurse.” _

_ “Oh?” Raven raises an eyebrow.  “You leveled up then.” _

_ “Apparently not when it comes to you.” _

_ “You’re definitely still a doctor when it comes to me. You’re always stitching me up, what kinda nurse does that?” _

_ “Uh, _ all _ of them?” _

_ “Really?” _

_ “Raven. Yes.” _

_ “Shit. You’re still a doctor to me.” _

_ “Uh huh,” Abby rolls her eyes, lips fighting to remain neutral. “When I was little I always thought the men were doctors, but then when I got older I realized that that is fucking stupid and went for it.” _

_ “I love it when you talk feminist to me.” _

Raven opens her eyes, sighing as she stares across the counter at Abby who is cleaning Raven’s kitchen insistently.

“You don’t have to do that.”

“Raven, I’ve told you. I want to. You’ve got enough on your plate.”

“You already do so much for me. I don’t want you to think I’m taking advantage of you.”

“I don’t think that. You know I don't. I… Care about you,” she breathes, offering a smile as Raven looks back down to her food, resting her head in her hands.

“I care about you too… I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be… I don’t know.”

There is a long stretch of silence before Abby speaks up again. “Are you ready to go over the plan?”

“Yeah… Yeah…” Raven pauses, pressing down on bruised knuckles and letting them crack. The angry throbbing that follows makes her rethink the action. “What are we gonna… Your daughter is going to be there. While we both are. Are we going to tell her now or are we just going to wait-”

“Raven… I hate to say this… Because I don’t want to hide it,” Raven’s heart soars, “But I think we should wait until this is all over.”

* * *

 

“So, Lincoln, Murphy and I will meet a few blocks down from the actual site. No cars. Harder to track. From there, we’ll make our way to the warehouse and infiltrate as stealthily as we can. We need to get as many people down as possible, save as many people as quietly as we can. Me and Lincoln will do most of the hand to hand while Murphy watches our backs. Abby and Clarke will be in each of our burner phones, just in case. That’s the plan of attack for game day… Monty has been doing his job for a while now, after tonight he should be off duty.” 

Raven hears Octavia’s huff and can see the shake of her head out of the corner of her eye as she’s passed over. Benched.

“Monty…” she continues. “You were in charge of weapons. What do you have?”

“I have all kinds of weapons. The only problem I had was armor. That kind of stuff is advanced. It would take time we don’t have.”

Raven sighs, she really had been hoping he’d be able to do it. Now she might have to ask someone for something that she promised she would never talk to again.

“It’s okay Monty. I think I might know somewhere I can get some stuff. Just whatever you do have, okay?”

“Yeah,okay..” He pulls his bag up into his lap, unclicking the buttons on his bag. He pulls out a brass knuckles looking thing. Four lug nuts repurposed as rings, a rectangular piece of metal with four rows of screws pushed through it, all attached together by careful sauntering.

Everyone in the room shifts uncomfortably, almost seeming to lean away from the device, probably thinking about what it’s use it or the damage it could do.

Raven looks from it and back to Monty in quick succession, wondering how exactly he came up with this.

“Well, that could certainly do some damage,” Murphy drawls, breaking the silence from next to her. “How many are there?”

“Three,” Monty supplies, looking back up at Raven, he pulls out the others. “And two of these.” He pulls out another of the devices, minus the screws, plus one where the face of the piece of metal has triangular pieces cut out, making it less damaging, but just as effective as the others. 

“Anything else?”

He gets really quiet, glancing around the room at everyone else. “Yeah… But I can’t give it to you now. You’ll have to come by the night of.”

“... What is it?”

“... Explosives.”

Octavia and Murphy let out a chorus of “ _ Woah _ ,” before scowling at each other across the room. 

“What exactly are we supposed to do with explosives?” Abby questions, glancing around at the young people around her.

“Make it go boom,” Raven smirks.

“We can place them on the perimeters,” Lincoln jumps in. “Blow up their operation after we get everyone else out.”

“Monty. So… No armoring? Ar all?”

He looks a little ashamed for a moment before pulling out some sports gear, hockey padding, a few extra sets of soccer shins. “This is the best I could do. Sorry, none of it’s bulletproof.”

“It’s okay, Monty. I’ll handle it.”

“... How?”

Raven gives Abby a warning look. “ The less you know the better.” Then she turns back to Murphy. “What’s the status on guns?”

“I’ve gathered a few. Five pistols, two rifles and _ lots _ of bullets.”

“Okay… Have you gotten anything else on who’s behind all of this?”

“We’ve actually been collaborating on gathering information on that,” Lincoln shares a glance with the aforementioned man. “We’ve only been able to rule out Polis. It could still be ALIE or Weather Corp.”

“Good enough. Won’t really matter who it is after we blow it to bits.”

“Unless they just grow back after you take them out,” Clarke scoffs. “What makes you think any of this is actually going to stop them?”

“Once we are there we can get evidence against whatever company it is and expose them. Shut it all down,” Lincoln comes to Raven’s defense, making the blond cross her arms and huff.

She leans against the railing, lowering her head and taking a deep breath to calm her anxiety.

“You could die.”

Someone had followed her. Raven clenches her hands into fists so as to hide her shaking fingers.

“You think I don’t know that, Clarke?” she looks at the wall of the opposite building to avoid her friend's gaze.

“No! I don’t think you do! I don’t care if you have a death wish or something but there are people here that it would really hurt if something happened to you.”

“So what? Even more, people could lose their lives if I don't do this. It’s important, Clarke. I don’t want to hurt any of you. Trust me. Hurting you or Octavia or…” She pauses, glancing back into the apartment at the lingering members of her team.

“Or?”

“I don’t want to cause any of you more pain than you’ve already gone through in your lives, but I  _ need _ to do this. For me.”

Clarke just takes a long breath in before exhaling, making the air go gray around her breath. Then she turns and walks back inside. Raven watches as she hugs Octavia quickly, offers a smile to Lincoln, a more awkward one to Monty, pats her mom on the arm, and ignores Murphy, before picking up her jacket, and walking out Raven’s front door.

Raven wonders if she really is making a good choice. She wonders if making the right choice is worth it.

* * *

 

Murphy is second to go. When she comes back inside he’s shouldered past everyone to get to her.

“I’m gonna get out of here. The energy here isn’t very welcoming,” he mumbles, feet shuffling a little under his downcast gaze, like he doesn’t want to meet her eyes. She pats his shoulder, understanding that the rest of this group generally disliked him. Then, he hugs her, in a sort of awkward guy-who-doesn’t-ever-do-physical-contact-that-isn’t-painful sort of way. It’s surprising and makes Raven feel a like she’s stepped into a weird alternate dimension. Monty comes next, offering a few more quiet apologies, all of which she just brushes off, just to see the tiny grateful smile in his warm eyes, he takes her hands, then shuffles out of the building. Lincoln just gives her a nod across the room before exiting without Octavia, so she knows she’s in trouble.

“Okay… I’ll see you later.” Abby squeezes her arm, the only physical contact they can have with another person in the room. Her fingers still linger a little too long.

Raven gives her a shy smile, suddenly embarrassed under the watchful eyes of her best friend.

“Are you gonna be okay?” Abby’s eyes flick past her and to Octavia.

“I’ll be fine. We’ve worked through worse. Me trying to keep her safe is hardly the worst thing I’ve ever done to her.”

The second the door shuts Octavia starts into her, but not in the way she’d inspected.

“What was that?”

“What?” Raven plays dumb.

“That? You were being… How you are with me… You don’t care about anyone as much as me.”

“Things change. I care about everyone that was here tonight. I want to keep all of you safe, which, is why Lincoln and I both don’t want you to go with us. I know… You’re your own person…” Raven licks her lips, searching for her next words. “And you are going to do what you want… But we love you too much to put you in any danger.”

She leans against the counter, watching as Octavia’s eyes flicker over Raven’s whole face.

“ _ I just want to protect you _ ,” her voice is a sidewalk, cracked and gray, her worry and sadness thick between them. Tears fall from Octavia’s eyes, they’re the first that Raven has seen in years that aren't from laughter.

“I don’t need you to anymore.” Raven’s laugh is wet as her eyes well at Octavia’s pain.

“Doesn’t mean I don’t want you to.”

“It’s my turn to pay you back for all those years when I was too small to protect myself.”

Octavia’s lips shake into a smile before falling again. “I remember, the first time I saw you… You were surrounded by a bunch of boys twice your size… And they kept calling you Pigeon and asking for whatever money you had on you. I had to step in when you went for one of their eyes first.”

“I’ve never been one for playing fair.”

Octavia actually laughs at this. “Oh my god. I’m aware. I swear you cheat at monopoly every goddamn time we play. Actually, I’m pretty sure you cheat at  _ everything _ .”

Raven bumps their arms together and the Octavia takes her hand, lacing their fingers together, resting her head on Raven’s shoulder. “I love you,” she whispers, out into the silent room.

“I love you too.”

They rest like that for a while, just taking each other in, making up for time spent apart.

“So I assume you’re staying here tonight?”

“If you don’t mind.”

“Of course I don’t. You are always welcome here… after all, you used to pay half the rent.” 

“Movie night?”

“Movie night.”

* * *

 

The sound of the subway is filtered through a grate in the street. Her feet don’t make any noise over the metal as she makes her way through the city. Her hood is up, keeping her face hidden from anyone who might recognize her. She watches her boots as she walks, counting the various black stained gum remains and cracks in the sidewalk as she goes. People bump into her and nudge her, she just keeps walking.

People behind her shout. She doesn’t flinch at the beginning of a scuffle next to her.

This is a rough neighborhood. Her rough neighborhood.

She thought she’d gotten away from this life. That she’d never have to go here for anything again, but she needs to get more supplies.

She cuts down a back alley, brackish water splashing up her loose sweats.

She doesn’t remember the last time she went down this path. She'd done her best to stay way, going down every other alley in New York times over in the past three months. This is the only one she’s been avoiding. The stains are long gone from the pavement but still fresh in her mind. She walks past the place the body was discovered, trying to block out all the days she had to walk by the dried blood of her mother.

When she gets to the end of the passage she ducks behind a dumpster and through a hole in a fence, leading her into a bustling market place. A criminal underbelly.

“Fallen into hard times again there, Reyes?” A man questions, halting her as she tries to walk up to the familiar stall in the corner of the grimy cramped space.

“I'm not hungry. I'm here to trade. Before you tell me I'm in the wrong place, just let Nygel know it's her little bird."

“Well, well, well,” the familiar voice floats up from behind the man in front of her, he moves to the side, allowing her to pass.

“I need three bulletproof vests,” she crosses her arms over her chest, trying to show that she means business, that she’s more powerful than she was all those years ago when it was vital to her life to come here.

“What for?”

Raven cocks her head to the side. “Being bulletproof.”

“That’s good. I see you’ve got your mom’s sense of humor.”

Raven clenches her jaw, anger rising up at the mention of her mom by this woman. She presses it down. “What do you want for it?”

“I don’t sell weapons or defensive equipment anymore. It’s too dangerous.”

“Save that for someone who doesn’t know better,” Raven snarks, lip curling up a little bit in a sarcastic smile. “Just tell me what it’s gonna take.”

“I owe a favor to a buddy of mine… And he’s got a thing for tough pretty girls… Like you.”

Raven knows ‘buddy’ doesn’t mean one of her acquaintances that have no pull. It means someone big. Someone that Nygel can benefit off of. “You’re joking right?” 

“I never joke about business, Raven. The police are watching my every move because of that asshole running around, thinking he’s some sort of  _ martyr _ . If I’m gonna do this... You’re gonna need to make it worth my while.”

“By screwing one of your crime lord friends?” 

Nygel shrugs noncommittally. 

“I can’t do that.”

“Then I guess you don’t need to be bulletproof as badly as you thought you did.”

Raven can feel a fight brewing, the way she’s been able to since she was seven and the one everyone liked to pick on at the playground. She feels Nygel's bodyguards surrounding them, like hulking walls of muscle and fat. She’s fought bigger and won. She’s fought more in worse circumstances and won. So, she goes for the insult she wants. “Go fuck yourself, Nygel."

“You know… Your mother would've taken that deal.”

Raven pauses in her tracks as the rages courses through her again. Taking over her brain and muscles.

“In fact she did. Many times.”

Raven lunges for her, hands going for her neck as other sets of arms wrap around her own torso. She reaches for Nygel’s clothes, hair, anything she can grab on and hurt her with. A hand palms her ass and she stops down on the guy’s foot, heavy steel boots making the crunch louder among the shouts. “Watch the hands, Asshole!” When he bends down to clutch at his broken bones she goes for Nygel again. She get’s dragged away before she has a chance to get much further, shouting once more for her mom’s old associate to ‘fuck herself.’ 

The last thing Raven hears her say is: “Bye, little bird.”

* * *

 

She hits the ground of the alley in a heap, coating her jacket and the gray of her shirt and pants in thick wet sludge. Her shoulder collides roughly with the ground and she can feel the skin of her opposite arm and one of her calves rip up against the asphalt. She hisses with pain and is glancing down at the bloody skinned flesh when a rough kick lands against her ribs, and then another. 

The guys leer down at her, laughing amongst themselves as she clutches at her wounded parts of herself. “Yeah, that’s right, little girl.” A glob of spit lands against her cheek and she winces, snarling up at them.

“Don’t come back unless you are actually willing to make a trade,” another one of them states, smiling as he kicks her once more time. Then men share another chuckle and walk away, leaving her bleeding and bloody on the disgusting wet ground. 

She rolls over onto her back and lets out a deep sigh. She’d blown it. Let her one chance of keeping herself and the two people risking their lives for her safe. She picks her head up and allows it to drop back down, punishing herself slightly for her quick temper.

* * *

 

She drags herself into the apartment, half limping on her right leg and her sleeve pulled down to soak up the blood from her arm.

Abby is at her side in seconds, hands on hers.

“What happened?”

“Less you know the better,” Raven croaks out.

“Now is not the time to be smart… Let me care about you.”

“Jesus.” Raven turns her head towards the other woman, meeting her eyes. “How do you always find something to say that makes me love you more?” They stare at each other for a few moments before Abby smiles a little. 

“I just say what I feel… And you make me love you more each time you speak.”

Raven can hardly breathe and for a moment she wonders if a rib had punctured her lung but then Abby kisses her and she’s never felt better. 

“Let’s get you fixed up, huh?” Abby whispers against her lips, slinging her uninjured arm over her shoulder.

“I need to call Murphy. I need him to get something.”

“Murphy can wait. You're are more important.”

They go through the familiar motions. Disinfectant, gentle hands on wrecked flesh, smoothing her hair down. Eventually, they come to terms with the fact that the gunk won't be coming out of Raven’s hair without a shower, so they make their way to the bathroom.

Abby turns the water on first, letting it get hot in the empty shower.

Raven can’t lift one of her arms, so she leans against the counter, beckoning Abby near and placing her hands at the hem of her sweater.

Abby searches Raven’s face for permission. A small out of breath nod is all she needs and they work Raven out of the shirt together. Both are careful not to bump the rapid growing purple of her ribs, they do the same with her sweats, tossing them aside for the garbage later. Then all that’s left is her bra and underwear.

Abby’s fingers rest against Raven’s hips, foreheads pressed together intimately as they cross a boundary for the first time.

“Are you sure?”

“I can’t exactly take a shower alone,” Raven hums, half amused and she hooks her thumbs under the waistband of her panties, letting them drop to the ground. Then she places her palms to the sides of Abby’s face and kisses her, pushing her into the wall behind them.

They kiss like that for a few moments before Raven pulls back, mumbling; “The water is gonna get cold if we don’t hurry up and get you out of those clothes.”

“Smooth.”

“Right?”

Raven does her best of help Abby out of her clothes, Abby’s face goes from to concern to smiles as Raven winces and giggles when her body is too sore to helpfully. Eventually, they figure it out and they get stuck outside the shower again. Raven can’t stop staring and then she can't stop kissing.

It’s when Abby’s hands go to her hair again that they remember what they should be doing. The get in slow, so as not to slip. Abby washes her hair with apple scented shampoo, hands massaging her scalp as though go. Finally, the older woman rests her head on Raven’s shoulder from behind and Raven feels a kiss pressed to her neck. The hands on her stomach slip lower and Raven groans.

* * *

 

She calls Murphy back a few days later.  

“I was able to get two.” Is how he answers. “Don’t ask,” and he cuts her off before she can even start talking. There is a silence before he adds. “You’re lucky, Reyes.”

“Thanks, Murphy,” she starts to hang up.

“Raven!” he suddenly calls, the use of her first name is the second surprising thing he does that week.

“... Yes?”

“Just know… No matter what happens… You’re one of my friends. I care about you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NEXT CHAPTER IS THE ACTION! and I promise it should come quicker than this one did, hope it's not too disappointing after the wait.
> 
> So the title of this chapter comes from Bloodshot by Handsome Ghost and I would just like to say a few words about them real quick. I saw them live and met them with a girl I really liked at the time. They mean a lot to me. I found out about them only a few days before I started writing this fic and ever since then they've been playing in the background for every chapter written. They've just come out with their second EP, The Brilliant Glow. It's absolutely fantastic and I have no doubt in my mind it's going to be a part of this universe too. It would mean a whole lot to me if you checked that out.
> 
> Alex, again, is the homie and beta'd this for me.
> 
> Your comments on the last chapter were so amazing guys... My heart can't handle it. It's your kind words that keep me writing, so thank you. Any feedback is much appreciated.

**Author's Note:**

> FOLLOW MY BETAS ON TUMBLR:  
> Alex's tumblr: balexi  
> Joseph's tumblr: idontevenwhat  
> Blake's tumblr: dorkmoth  
> Hannah's tumblr: bandsarekindacool  
> My tumblr: hollisimfinallyyourtype


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